ALL IN THE GAME:LAST WEEK we told you about the unkind allegations being levelled at (the Brazilian) Ronaldo and Sol Campbell, both accused of being a touch overweight after their summer holidays. Benni McCarthy is enduring similar woes, the West Ham striker told by his club he will be docked wages if he doesn't lose a kilo a week.

“He’s nearly as fat as me,” David Sullivan had said at the end of last season, and the West Ham co-owner evidently concluded McCarthy was no trimmer on his return. “It’s like a jockey being overweight, if he can’t ride a horse no one is going to pay him.”

Sam Allardyce, McCarthy’s former manager at Blackburn, was more sympathetic, suggesting he “has an unfortunate addiction to sugars”, but conceded: “He can’t carry that extra weight, it’s like expecting him to play with two big bags of Tate & Lyle (sugar) strapped to his hips”.

Mninawa Ntokolo, writing on allafrica.com, was less sympathetic, noting “Sumo wrestler McCarthy had returned from his off-season vacation sporting a protruding belly that would have impressed any self-respecting beer guzzler”.

Ntokolo insisted “McCarthy has been fat for a very long time”, recalling his appearance for South Africa in a friendly against Japan last November. “It was so bad he was completely out of breath after trying to put on his shorts in the changing room. Things got worse when the game actually started, it is a miracle that the paramedics did not run on to the pitch and give him an oxygen mask.”

The poor fella tried to defend himself in the Daily Mail. The headline? "Chewing the fat with Benni McCarthy".

Lost for words: Ferguson blanks Chelsea duo

AN EXTRACT from Carlo Ancelotti's new autobiography provides yet more proof that Alex Ferguson is as gracious in defeat as he is in victory.

After Chelsea's 2-1 win at Old Trafford last season, a result that sent them on their way to the title, Ancelotti and his assistant, Ray Wilkins, dropped in on Ferguson for a glass of wine, as is the tradition.

"We walked in, and silence reigned. He sat there staring at a television screen. The set was tuned to a horse race, his greatest love.

"We were strictly relegated to the background . . . we stood awkwardly for a while without saying a word, uncertain what to do, and finally did what we had come to do.

"We drank a glass of wine, to our own health. Bye-bye."

App nap: Exclusive access

CALLING ALL iPhone owners – make sure you get the new free app that will give you regular insights to the life of a global football star. Here's what he has to say about it: "I had this application made to enable everybody to follow what I do and give people a glimpse in to what it's like to be a footballer.

"Ill also give you exclusive access to my life outside football. Anything from a night out to sitting at home playing computer games with my mates. All the latest news will come exclusively through this application allowing you to be the first to know what's happening in my life.

"I also want to offer you a chance to ask me any question, no holes barred. I hope you enjoy it as much as I do."

Lionel Messi? Cristiano Ronaldo? David Beckham? No, no – it's The Carlton Cole Official App.

"Way to go Carlton, this is very original," says one of the reviews on the Apple website (no – it wasn't submitted by "WestHamNo9"), but there were neither holes nor holds barred from "Forrec1984": "I couldn't think of anything more cringeworthy. This is awful."

Talking cobblers: Gallas signing provides the spur for some over-the-top reaction

"What has Gallas done? He is a footballer. It's not the Yorkshire Ripper I am signing is it? It's all cobblers."

– Harry Redknapp.

" Look, Darth Vader could come to Spurs. I don't care. If he does his job well I am happy for Spurs."

– Benoit Assou Ekotto.

Yesterday? Spurs signed Darth the Ripper, aka Arsenal and Chelsea old boy William Gallas.

4,000 holes: Likely Lancashire lad

Exchange of the week: The BBC Radio 5 Live interview with Indian gazillionaire Ahsan Ali Syed, who seems intent on buying Blackburn Rovers.

BBC: "Have you ever been to Blackburn?"

Ali Syed: "Physically, no."

BBC: "No?"

Ali Syed: "No . . . but I intend to buy a house in Lancashire and get emotionally involved in the club."

Goal rush: Voskamp in dream land as he scores eight times on his debut as Almere City rue early red card

"WE STARTED well," said Almere City coach Henk Wisman after Friday's Dutch second division game away to Sparta Rotterdam. They did too, keeping Sparta scoreless for, well, the first five minutes – over the next 68, though, they conceded a dozen goals. Yep, that'd be 12.

"After Edwin Dekkers's 17th-minute red card Almere's resistance was broken," said the match report on the club's website, leaving you assuming Edwin must be a very, very important player for the team.

Almere, known as FC Omniworld until this season, now take their place in the Dutch history books, equalling the biggest defeat ever recorded in the first and second divisions.

Johan Voskamp, meanwhile, made a bit of an impression on his debut for Sparta, scoring just the eight. "Normally I do not like pain, but now, please, someone really pinch my hand, otherwise I will not believe that this actually happened and is not just a dream," he said.

Voskamp and Sparta actually failed to score in the final 17 minutes, during which Almere hit an 82nd minute goal ("13-12, we're gonna win 13-12" the Almere supporters no doubt sang – in Dutch). It's hard to decide who had the more unfortunate evening, Almere goalkeeper Erwin Friebel or Voskamp's strike partner Joshua John who failed to score a goal before being taken off.

Next up for Almere is a home game at their Mitsubishi Forklift Stadium against Go Ahead Eagles. We will continue with the hard work," said Wisman. "Thats the only thing you can do." True enough. But in the absence of the suspended Edwin you have to fear the worst.

Numbers game: Cunningham's kind deed

MARIO BALOTELLI'S move from Inter Milan to Manchester City was put in jeopardy by his request that they pay him €220,000-a-week, the deal finally going through when he settled for a quid or two less. Any pals of Greg Cunningham who have in their possession a City replica shirt with the Galway teenager's name and number should probably ask Balotelli for a quid or two themselves, as compensation for the shirts now being obsolete. "I have worn the number 45 all my football life and wanted to carry on here at City," said the Italian. "Greg was kind enough to swap."

"I didn't have any problem with that at all," said Cunningham, "I had no real attachment to it except I made my debut wearing it. I've taken on number 22 now, which is Richard Dunne's old shirt number, so I've big boots to fill."

WORD OF MOUTH

"These people are clowns. I am dying with laughter."

– A distraught Nicolas Anelka after the French Football Federation gave him that 18-match ban.

"Ian Holloway has more front than Tesco – if he keeps Blackpool up this season he'll get my vote as boss of the year."

– Harry Redknapp . . . before Arsenal romped through Blackpool's aisles.

"The wife had me watching Come Dine With Meon the other side. That's married life for you."

– David James explaining why he missed England's friendly against Hungary.

"It is impossible to think we are always going to score six goals in a game, this is not real football, this is PlayStation."

– Chelsea's Carlo Ancelotti