TV VIEWTHE THOUGHT occurred to us yesterday that if we'd had a €1 double on Wes Brown and Bacary Sagna scoring the first goals in Grand Slam Sunday's double-header we'd now be sipping cocktails on the terrace of our Seychelles 17 up, 19 down, with only the sound of Cedric polishing our Learjet on our private runway in our 200-acre back garden competing with the whooosh of the Indian Ocean lapping at our feet.

Before yesterday an attempt on goal by either of those two lads was an overhit backpass, so instead we went for Carlos Tevez and Nicolas Anelka, who might well have scored the first goals in Grand Slam Sunday's double-header if they'd actually been on the pitch.

But, like ourselves, they were spectators, their managers deciding they were surplus to requirements. Initially, at least.

"It's been enormous, hasn't it," gasped a breathless Richard Keyes on Sky Sports at the conclusion of the day's proceedings, the games having featured opening goals from Wes Brown and Bacary Sagna.

It had, indeed, been enormous, apart from the fact the games told us what we already knew: (1) Manchester United will win the league, unless they implode, which isn't completely rule-outable; (2) Chelsea will make a fight of it; (3) this Arsenal side is still the most lovely footballing team on planet earth, but they go a bit wobbly-kneed when confronted with the prospect of winning stuff; and (4) Liverpool have as much chance of winning the league as a cranky Argentinian who speaks Spanish with a Scouser accent has of staying on the pitch at Old Trafford when he irritates a sensitive referee who was the heavily criticised fourth official at the Spurs v Chelsea game last week when the decidedly unpleasant Ashley Cole wasn't sent off when he should have been.

That's a long sentence, almost as long as we'd like Ashley Cole to get one day.

Mind you, we didn't care much about current Grand Slam events when Sky whisked us back to the Good Ould Days. Remember when Eric Cantona was brutally provoked into karate kicking that Crystal Palace fan and was, subsequently, out of the game for eight months?

And he made his return against Liverpool?

And United were 2-1 down?

And then they - surprisingly enough at Old Trafford - won a penalty?

And Eric had to take it?

Did the ordeal make him nervous? asked the Sky man. Eric purred, then off he went.

"Like if you are afraid about death and one day you say, 'I am here, if you want to take me, take me', and you are not afraid about anyzing, in one second you feel free, you feel the energy in your body, you feel . . . invincible."

"At that moment you were back?"

"Yez."

"Good job he didn't take 'imself too seriously, Eric," said Jamie Redknapp back in the studio, the same Jamie who had given away that very penalty.

"Have you ever heard taking a penalty described like that?" asked Richard.

"No, I ain't," confirmed Jamie.

"Did you ever bump into him on the grass and exchange words of wisdom?"

"No," said Jamie, "and listening to that I'm quite pleased I didn't."

"It does bring back memories of seagulls and suchlike," said Richard, evidently pining for those magnifique ould days.

"Eh, yeah," disagreed Jamie.

Anyway, the game. United won 3-0, Liverpool not aided by the first-half dismissal of Javier Mascherano, a cranky Argentinian, who speaks Spanish with a Scouser accent, who left the pitch at Old Trafford after irritating a sensitive referee who was the heavily criticised fourth official at the Spurs v Chelsea game last week when the decidedly unpleasant Ashley Cole wasn't sent off when he should have been.

Andy Gray wasn't happy with the decision, but Jamie thought it was a fair cop, guv'nor. And besides, he put most of Liverpool's woes down to their flappety-flap goalkeeper Pepe Reina, who was passionately defended by his manager Rafa Benitez at full-time: "Sometimes keepers make mistakes - these things happen."

Chelsea v Arsenal? Arsenal, gripped by the fear of possibly winning the title, stepped aside to allow Didier Drogba score twice to clinch the game.

"Arsenal have run out of legs, in't they," Jamie noted, while insisting that the much-mocked Avram Grant deserved some credit for his tactics and substitutions.

In fairness, Avram responded to this praise with commendable modesty.

"It's sumving that vee vork about, but vee play also good before," he said.

"Exactly, innit," Jamie said to himself. If only he'd been so sure about Wes and Bacary getting those opening goals.

"CEDRIC? Cor blimey, easy on the Learjet."