'Airy time for Joe and Ron

Day three. Curtains haven't been opened since Tuesday. Milkman thinks I'm dead. Put on dark sunglasses and went to shop for a pint. Passed the bookies. Sign in window: "We're offering odds of 100 to 1 against Jim Rosenthal calling Hristo Stoichkov a "temperamental Bulgarian", Joe Kinnear saying "Schmeichel saved Denmark's bacon" AND Big Ron calling the South Africans "technically naive" today. Laughed. Jim, Joe and Ron know better by now. Back home. Telly on, again. There's Jim talking to Bobby Robson. "Stoichkov is a temperamental Bulgarian, isn't he Bobby?"

Later. Joe: "Schmeichel saved Denmark's bacon there, Bill." Later still. Big Ron: "The South Africans are technically naive, Brian." Gutted. One hundred to one? Do I not like that.

What's worse, I took the bookie up on his offer of 5 to 1 on Jim Beglin being appointed Irish Ambassador to Saudi Arabia before the year 2000. Sounded a good bet, until: "That's the reason they're a bit lazy at times Bill, it's all that oil money." Ah Jim. Joe had another theory on why they don't get "stuck in" in Saudi Arabia. "Out there, in Islamic countries, it's brother v brother so you could be in a match where there's three brothers on one side and three on the other side," he explained. "Which means what," asked Bill and the entire television audience. "Well, it's like after you vicar, you know what I mean?" "Which means what," Bill should have asked again, but he didn't. After you, vicar?

Don't know what Alan Brazil meant either, when he appeared on Sky Sports' World Cup phonein. Some depressed fella from Glasgow rang up to say Scotland's chances of reaching the second round were a big round zilch. Alan disagreed. "It's still in their hands, Jimmy, so long as Brazil beat Morocco and Norway," he proclaimed. Maybe former Scottish internationals have a different way of looking at things. Like the BBC's Ally McCoist and his funny peroxide hair-do. "It's been an interesting first half," he said of the Denmark v Saudi Arabia match. "It's been a bit of a non-event really." "Mmm," said Des. "?" said Martin O'Neill.

"Saudi Arabia were shocking Des, they probably wouldn't have scored even if Denmark hadn't arrived," said Martin. "Oooh, you old acid tongue," giggled Ally. "You'll be choosing wisely where you go on holidays, I presume," said Des. Later in the evening Jim Sherwin, who's in South Africa for Ireland's rugby tour, chatted to Bill live on air and told him that a local paper had said the night's match against France was "the most important match in South Africa's history and it was a cause for which Bafana Bafana were prepared to die". Bill looked a little alarmed, but Joe was confident that Did He Ay Dey Shamps and The 'Airy 'Enree would help the hosts win the battle and the war. Bill looked a little confused. The 'Airy 'Enree?

Over on ITV Big Ron had Brian Moore just as confused. "I like the look of this Teary Hunree, and Petty and They Chomps are France's insurance in midfield," he said. Mooro frantically checked his team sheet but could only spot a Thierry Henry, Petit and Deschamps in the line-up. Ruud Gullit had him even more worried when he praised Thee A Ree Awn Ree's first half contribution. The plot deepened at half-time. "Theory Henree's doing well down the right Ruud, isn't he," asked Bob Wilson. "Yes, Thee A Ree showed some good touches." Back to the match. By now Brian didn't know what to call the French number 12. The last thing he needed was for yer man to score. Which, of course, The 'Airy 'Enree/Teary Hunree/Theory Henree/Thee A Ree Awn Ree did in the dying seconds. He took a plunge. "And Thierry Henry makes it 3-0 to France," he declared. "Who?" wondered Big Ron, Joe, Ruud and Bob.