After much deliberation . . . this is the year ahead

On account of a pact with an evil-looking gentleman with cloven feet, a large fork, a sheepskin overcoat and a hip flask, this column was once again blessed with powers of clairvoyance which, alas, must be sprinkled with slightly exaggerated forecasts of what might occur in 2005.

But Paddy Powers be warned...

January: Munster and Leinster qualify for the quarter-finals of the Heineken European Cup, earning home ties against Stade Français and Newcastle. Clive Woodward announces that Jamie Oliver will be the new Lions chef. Connacht complete two-legged win over Grenoble thanks to 42-point haul by Paul Warwick. The Irish Rugby Football Union make Warwick an offer he can't refuse. He joins Ulster.

February: Ireland open with Six Nations wins away to Italy and Scotland to set up crunch game with England. George Bush drops in (after Shannon stopover) as joint guest of honour with Tony Blair for the game and says how nice it is to be back in England.

Ireland win thriller to stay on course for Grand Slam, but Eddie O'Sullivan bans any mention of the words "until we've hammered France, who look there for the taking".

Clive Woodward co-opts Stella McCartney onto Lions' back-up team as clothes designer.

March: Ireland whup France and Wales beat Scotland to set up Grand Slam decider in the Millennium Stadium. St Paul's beat Pres, Bray in shock Leinster Schools' Cup final pairing at Lansdowne Road. Nah, only kidding.

There are extraordinary scenes at the Millennium Stadium as Ireland beat Wales to complete first Grand Slam in 56 years. Bertie Ahern greets each player personally on the pitch and at civic reception in the Mansion House Paul O'Connell has to separate warring Fianna Fáil and PD TDs.

April: David Holwell lands 10 out of 10, and Jonny Wilkinson nine out of 10, in thrilling 42-40 victory for Leinster. Heinos all round. Rob Andrew sportingly congratulates Leinster on their win, wishes them the best for the remainder of the tournament, says he has no complaints with any of the refereeing decisions and wishes Leinster the best.

Munster beat Stade Français, whose coach Fabien Galthie blames the hotel food, the weather, the pitch and the referee. Trevor Brennan and Peter Clohessy open more new bars.

Connacht beat Sale in Challenge Cup semi-final. The IRFU make Chris Keane and Conor O'Loughlin offers they can't refuse. They join Leinster. Another of their scrumhalves, Mike Walls, wakes up with a horse's head in his bed the next morning. He returns to Clontarf.

Munster beat Toulouse but Leinster lose to Leicester in second semi-final after Neil Back controversially nicks referee's whistle.

May: On the eve of sell-out AIB League finals day at Lansdowne Road, The Irish Times produces a souvenir supplement. UCD beat Trinity in AIL first division final, DLSP and the Connemara All Blacks win the second and third division finals. The Irish Times produces another souvenir supplement.

Somebody wins the Celtic Cup final.

Munster beat Leicester in sell-out European Cup final at Murrayfield thanks to Ronan O'Gara's try off a quick tap penalty while referee Nigel Williams is engaged in constructive dialogue with Martin Johnson. Johnson and Neil Back cry foul. The Munster players cry because they are laughing so much. The Munster Supporters Club releases a statement that at last they can all sleep at night, once they've stopped celebrating. Alan Gaffney is rewarded by the IRFU with new six-month contract extension.

Michael Bradley comes out of retirement as player-coach in new half-back partnership with Eric Elwood as Connacht beat Pau in the final of the Challenge Cup and thereby qualify for next season's European Cup. "It's all part of our indigenous youth policy," gasps Bradley before being revived with an oxygen mask. "Connacht's success is a reflection of the IRFU's identification of Connacht as the development province in the IRFU's excellent structures," says an IRFU spokesperson with lengthening nose. Clive Woodward completes management jig-saw by adding Eddie Izzard as squad jester. The Lions squad is announced, and contains 17 Irishmen, 15 English, 10 Welsh and two Scots.

June: The Lions open their tour with handsome win over Bay of Plenty at a sold-out Rotorua International Stadium, but home rugby supporters are incensed that there is standing room only after Lions management and substitutes take over the main stand en bloc. In the first Test the Lions beat New Zealand in Christchurch thanks to length-of-the-field virtuoso tries by Gordon D'Arcy and Brian O'Driscoll. O'Driscoll says modestly he was just looking for someone to pass to but the gaps kept opening up.

July: After entreaties from captain O'Driscoll to Sir Clive, Vidal Sassoon is added to the squad's back-up staff as travelling hair stylist. The Lions take to the Westpac Stadium in Wellington with matching red and blonde highlighted hairstyles in a bid to confuse the opposition. They are all immediately sin binned and the All Blacks square the series after a last-minute try by impact-replacement Ma'a Nonu, whose eye-liner distracts the Lions players.

The All Blacks complete dramatic series win with 33-32 victory at Eden Park in Auckland thanks to Daniel Carter's 11th penalty from 11 kicks after Andre Watson penalises the Lions scrum for the 25th time in the match.

August/ September: IRFU play ball and the Celtic League gets a sponsor.

October: The European Cup obtains a new sponsor and is renamed the FIAT Cup. In an expansion of the tournament to 28 teams, Italy now has six qualifiers.

Padova beat Munster in front of capacity 9,500 crowd at the Stadio Plebiscito by one point with a last-minute, converted penalty try. French referee accelerates away in new Alfa Romeo Spider, after leaving the engine running during the game, while being chased by an outraged Red Army.

November: There are remarkable Saturday night scenes at Musgrave Park for Munster's Celtic League game against Connacht, which kicks off at 9.05 at the behest of Setanta television, when Michael McDowell leads Army squadron into the ground to have all children evicted and sent home after curfew.

December: Plans are unveiled for the redesigned all-seater 50,000-capacity, Lansdowne Road. John O'Donoghue says the new design, which features running track, greyhound track and bicycle cycling track, will be hooligan-free as any potential hooligans would be too knackered to do anything by the time they get to the pitch. There are complaints from residents that the additional state-of-the-art, corporate hospitality box, with helicopter landing pad (to be named The Bertie Ahern Suite), is a blight on their landscape. The project's completion date is set back to 2012. gthornley@irish-times.ie