While delivering his address to the audience in the John F Kennedy Centre, in his typically understated manner, “Johnny” Infantino was clearly emotional. “It’s much more than just a sporting event,” he said, his voice quivering a little, “it’s simply the greatest event that humanity, that mankind, has ever seen and will ever see”.
He was, we think, talking about the soccerball World Cup itself rather than the near-three-hour ceremony he was launching to discover who would play who next summer, but his declaration was a bold one. Risky, too, in light of the afternoon’s guest of honour.
Donald Trump, you’d imagine, would rate his inaugurations as the greatest events ever witnessed by humanity, ousting the moon landing from top of the list. But he and Johnny are such good mates, it’s possible he didn’t take offence.
In an address that the Fifa website described as “inspiring”, Johnny, the Fifa president, went on to hail Fifa as “the official happiness provider for humanity for over 100 years”. By now – and we’d only just kicked off – our BBC commentator Jonathan Pearce sounded – not to be too crude about it – like he was about to vomit.
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There was no stopping Johnny, though, his next act to order the delegations from the three host countries in the audience to make themselves heard. When he asked “are there Mexicans in the room?”, the general fear was that that was a cue for the Ice shower to burst into the venue and drag them all away.
That didn’t happen, but that was the only merciful thing about the whole proceedings, really.
Even the innocent parties, such as Jonathan’s sidekick Dion Dublin, had a ‘mare. “He never lets us down, does he,” he said when Harry Kane’s face popped up on the screen in one of Fifa’s inexhaustible supply of montages. And with that we saw Harry blaze a World Cup penalty in the direction of Jupiter.
Dion didn’t say much after that, leaving it to Jonathan. “Hopefully the draw will be finished in time for the first match in June,” he sighed when there appeared to be no sign of it ending at all.
But when it finally happened, the Fifa website hailed it as a “riveting process”, and doffed its cap to the sporting celebs who plucked balls from bowls for their “flawless” performances. Even Wayne Gretzky, who plucked out “North Mack-a-donia”, “Curragh-cow” and “Jore Dan”. No praise, though, for Canadian prime minister Mark Carney calling the Infantino man “Gianni” instead of “Johnny”, lest Donald launch missiles on Ottawa.
Another star of the show was, of course, Rio Ferdinand. “I’m a man of the people,” the millionaire tax-avoiding Dubai resident had told the BBC’s Dan Roan earlier when asked if he had sympathy for those attempting to buy exorbitantly priced World Cup tickets. Fifa, Rio insisted, were doing their level best to make the tournament accessible for non-millionaire tax-avoiding Dubai residents. , Dan managed to keep a straight face.
For being a faithful rather than a Fifa-denouncing traitor, Rio was rewarded with a central role in the ceremony. Actor Danny Ramirez, who was tasked with nattering with famous footballers in the crowd, while evidently having no clue who they were, gushed about Rio, appearing to confuse him for Pele, unaware, perhaps, that he failed to get past the quarter-final stage of the tournament in his two appearances.
No matter, Rio took part in a rib-tickling sketch with Johnny, leaving those unkind about his acting skills suggesting that if Donald can win a peace prize, Rio should collect an Oscar.
And then he expertly took us through the draw. Why weren’t Uzbekistan put in a group with France and Senegal? “We’ve got factors ‘ere, so I’m going to take Uzbekistan and put ‘em into Group K in position three. And we skipped Group I because of teams that are yet to be drawn. So we’ll wait for those teams to be drawn and, eh.” That was clear, then.
But the high point of the whole shebang was, need it be said, Donald being awarded the inaugural Fifa Peace Prize. Or, as that Gavin Newsom parody account rudely put it, the “prestigious Fisher-Price medal”.
He didn’t just get a medal, there was a certificate and a trophy too, like he’d won a school egg-and-spoon race, the trophy resembling hands emerging from a grave to fondle an 800-year-old skull. Donald beamed, and Johnny purred, like a man who would retain his office in New York’s Trump Tower. Over in Oslo, they were possibly deciding who would win the World Cup.
The occasion ended with The Village People, and the inaugural Fifa Peace Prize recipient YMCAing like a lad directing traffic.
Yes, it was the weirdest event that humanity, that mankind, has ever seen and will ever see.
