Colman Noctor is a well-known child and adolescent psychotherapist, author and now Ted talk speaker, so you’d be forgiven for presuming with all this expertise at hand that he always gets it right when it comes to parenting his own three children.
Not so, the father-of-three says on the latest episode of the Conversations with Parents podcast, explaining his children “slam doors” and face the same “trials and tribulations” as the everyone else’s children.
He shares the “sobering” moment he realised that you can read all the books and have all the theory, “but in Dundrum Shopping Centre when you’re kid kicks off, it’s a lottery. Parenting is an act of failure. It’s just not failing too much.”
In this special episode, Noctor shares the reality of parenting his preteens and teenage children while also navigating his own ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder). He discusses how this helps him compassionately parent his own children, some of whom are neurodivergent themselves.
“For years, I didn’t talk about it from the point of view of a stigma of it,” says Noctor. “I would have thought that people would have maybe made judgments about that. I kind of avoid talking about it now, I think this is probably the first time I mentioned it.”
Noctor explains how ADHD impacts his life and why people presume he couldn’t possibly have it, adding: “I barely passed my Leaving Cert.”
Among the topics discussed, Noctor believes it’s essential that Irish exemptions remain an option for some children. “I think there’s undoubtable benefit to certain children who do get that exemption and the difference it makes to their lives.”
He shares his difficulties with how this is decided, and the consequences for the struggling children who find themselves just outside the cut off.
We need to have much more conversations around how to support boys to be together, to do things together
Homework is the bane of many children’s (and their parents) lives (children and parents). Noctor touches on the cost/benefit analysis and explains how “the world values the outcome, and completely ignores the effort”. Something he sees in how we react to children’s sport too.
Noctor also discusses how to get teenagers to spend less time on their phones; what to do when dealing with challenging attitudes; navigating friendships; and why gaming isn’t all bad.
While parents of teenagers in particular may worry about external influences undoing their best efforts to parent, Noctor says that “the family culture still has the greatest influence on your child’s belief system”.
He says friendship difficulties leads to “the erosion of self-esteem” and shares ways to combat this. And why it’s important not to confuse self-confidence with self-esteem.
“Curiosity and empathy” are key in approaching any conversations with our teenagers, Noctor advises. He explains why nagging never works, and illustrates how arguments never lead to someone changing their mind in that moment.
“Behaviour is always the signpost to a problem. It is very rarely the problem,” Noctor says. “Sometimes, we need to give children, especially teenagers, what they need, instead of what they deserve.”
One issue which Noctor has noticed is increasing all the time is the number of boys and young men struggling and lonely. “I probably see more young guys struggling than ever before,” he says, becoming emotional discussing the challenges they’re facing and the unfair perceptions of young boys and men in society.
He explains why this is happening and what we need to do about it. Plus how online activity can progress to an interest in the manosphere. “There’s boys out there who want guidance ... and they feel very lost. They don’t know what it is to be a boy. The guidance around how to be a boy is very similar to the guidance about being a girl.”
He explains the problems of living in a world “that makes you nail your colours to the mast and pick a lane. And it’s really bad to be moderate, or be in the middle because it’s seen as sitting on the fence or lacking an opinion.
“We need to have much more conversations around how to support boys to be together, to do things together. Please stop celebrating when plans are cancelled. It’s become quite a cool thing to do, ‘oh I’m above socialisation’. Children and teenagers see socialisation as a chore to be avoided. And then they will isolate. If they don’t see you doing that stuff, they don’t know how to do it.”
Conversations with Parents is presented by Jen Hogan. This episode was produced by Declan Conlon and Andrew McNair. You can listen on the player above, or wherever you get your podcasts.
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