You'd need to be certified to be Irish. And here is how . . .

NEWTON'S OPTIC:Stringent conditions govern the Certificate of Irish Heritage. Cheques are welcome

Dear Mr Bradley Cheeseburger III,

Thank you for your interest in a Certificate of Irish Heritage. To qualify, please complete this questionnaire and return it with a cheque for €100 plus €200 administration fee plus €300 benchmarking adjustment against private-sector genealogy services.

1. Do you consider yourself to be an Irishman, an Irishwoman, an Irishman who was born a woman, an Irishwoman who was born a man, an Irishman in the process of becoming an Irishwoman, or vice-versa, or any Irish combination of the above?

2. If none of your parents or grandparents was Irish, can you at least confirm that they were not English?

3. According to family legend, did your ancestors leave Ireland because of the potato famine, religious persecution, the plantation of Ulster or the defeat of Braveheart’s army at the Battle of Bannockboyne?

4. Do you come into the parlour when the road rises up to meet you with 40 shades of smiling eyes before the devil knows you’re dead?

5. Do you possess at least one of the following physical characteristics: red hair, freckles, a scowl, obesity?

6. Does your surname start with the letter “O”, or contain the letter “O” or another vowel, or end with the letters “eau” if you are French or French-Canadian? For Southeast Asian customers, is your entire surname “O”, “Oh”, or “Ngoh”? You may be entitled to a discount. Call our premium rate hotline for details.

7. Have you checked to ensure that your country of residence permits dual-heritageship? Failure to do so may affect personal journeys.

8. Your certificate will be one of a limited print run of 70 million. Would you like to increase its value with a tasteful presentation frame? Carved from genuine Irish bog oak, it is sure to become a treasured collectors’ item. Also available in genuine Irish bog pine.

9. Will you feel a strange urge, after receiving your certificate, to go on a holiday with the lads to somewhere like Puerto Banus?

10. If you plan to hang your certificate in the bathroom, will it be in the main bathroom, the downstairs toilet you put in when you extended the kitchen, or the en-suite that came with the house although it makes all the bedrooms too small for a wardrobe?

11. If you are of Ulster-Scots heritage, will you tear off the top right-hand corner of your certificate and hang it on an adjoining wall?

12. Your certificate may contain pyrite, but only around the margins where any cracking due to expansion should cause no damage to the legible area. Are you largely satisfied with this explanation?

13. Would you prefer your certificate to be printed in Irish and English, English and Irish, Irish only or English only? You are asked to please answer in English only.

14. Are you interested in any of the offers available to certificate-holders? Take advantage of special prices on fine crystal, woollen wear and Quiet Man-style derelict houses across the country.

15. Do you require a matching Equality Authority statement that everyone is as Irish as everyone else?

Please note that Certificates of Irish Heritage may later be converted into Certificates of European Heritage, with no regard to prices or interest