NEWTON'S OPTIC:MINISTER FOR busy-bodies, boggers and hobbyists Éamon Ó Cuív has opened the country's first Ulster-Scots Heritage Centre at Carrigans in Co Donegal.
Describing the Ulster-Scots as the state’s “forgotten community”, Ó Cuív said his aim was to demonstrate “that the Republic I serve is a warm home for all its citizens”.
But despite these fine words there is still no recognition – let alone warmth – for my own people, the Ulster-English. Not to be confused with the Anglo-Irish, who are actually French, the Ulster-English were planted in Ulster by the English in response to the spread of the Ulster-Scots.
At that time the English in England, also known as the English-English, were concerned that the Ulster-Scots might form an alliance with the Ulster-Irish, also known as the Irish-Irish. It is not known if anyone has ever bothered being Ulster-Welsh.
The status of the Ulster-English in Ireland is most unusual in that we are a relatively small minority whose culture completely dominates the entire population.
Mr Ó Cuív himself derives his amusing surname from the unpopular English name “Keith”.
It is not even possible to despise the Ulster-English without unconsciously adopting our ways. Self-hatred is the pinnacle of English high metropolitan culture, as you can confirm by tuning into the BBC or picking up a copy of The Guardian.
This absolute cultural supremacy raises an interesting question for the Ulster-English community. Do we want to be a “minority” in the modern sense, with all the trappings that implies? Should we be more comfortable with words like “culture” and “community”, which I am using here strictly in a high metropolitan fashion?
It is all very well to humour the Ulster-Scots with delusions of ethnic exceptionalism. But for the Ulster-English, having our own “heritage centre” in Donegal would be like having our own enclosure in Dublin Zoo. Only endangered cultures need “heritage centres”. Our heritage is the centre of everyone’s culture.
The Irish-Irish may think this is terribly arrogant. Personally, I couldn’t care less what the Irish-Irish think. However, I do think we should review the benefits of modern minority status.
By declaring ourselves to be a race, for example, we can demand an end to anything that we declare to be offensive.
It is possible that other groups who consider themselves to be races might find our assertive Ulster-Englishness offensive but we could counter that by accusing them of being offensively racist against us. Thanks to the rigorous intellectual consistency underpinning all these concepts, that would certainly be the end of the matter.
If we did decide to seek minority status it would be important for us not to do so in a pathetic, needy, inadequate “Celtic” way. To preserve our values and integrity we would have to seek it in an ironic, dismissive, condescending “English” way. As mentioned earlier, this may not be enough to set us apart because everyone in Ireland is culturally English. On the other hand, as mentioned later, we could always complain that it was racist to say so.
I still feel it might be a step too far to actually use a heritage centre. However, if Eamon Keith offers to build us one we should accept with patronising English politeness. Fianna Fáil ministers like to build things nobody wants. It’s their culture, innit?