Una Mullally: An Irish Person’s Guide To Going Off The Sauce For November

Leaving aside the fact that alcohol misuse and abuse has an unbelievably detrimental impact on society from health issues to crime, for “social” Irish drinkers (aka frequent ones), going off booze for a short period of time exposes our weird relationship with alcohol.

In order to get around the refusal to acknowledge that Irish people drink way to much, we have invented dry months. Welcome to “NOvember”, something I’ve been practising for a many years, along with JanNoMerry, or what has become known as Dry January. I’m also familiar with SoberOctober, but, for me, going off the sauce for November and January are the perfect bookends. December is party season, and allowing your body some rest (or pre-tox) before the Christmas drinks and parties and catchups take over is probably a good idea. Then punishing yourself with sobriety for January, when you’re broke, depressed, cold, and worn out from December’s festivities is the second part of the deal.

From my learnings, I present An Irish Person's Guide To Going Off The Sauce For A Month.

1. Be sanctimonious

A dry month allows us to express one of the great national traits that we often don’t have an opportunity to: feeling sanctimonious. Giving up booze for November, like most miserable things Irish people impose on themselves, has religious roots, thanks to the month kicking off with All Souls, so the feeling of sanctimoniousness is key to sober months. In fact, it’s one of the main drivers. What is the point in punishing yourself if you can’t simultaneously publicly commend yourself?

2. Remind everyone you’re not drinking

It’s important to remind people at all times that you’re not drinking. “Up to anything at the weekend?” “Oh, well, I’m off the sauce so…” “Ah right fair enough.” Then there’s bumping into a vague acquaintance on the street, “What are you up to at the moment?” “Not drinking for November, so you know, quiet month!” Then they do the fake, “fair play!” thing – raised eyebrows, chin tucked in – like how your mum reacts when the neighbour talks about her daughter’s brilliant Leaving Cert.

3. Don’t go out

Or at least don't go out to places where people will be drinking more than three units of alcohol in one sitting. A trip to the pub with a group is fine – mmm, delicious soda and lime for €4.20 – but two hours in, everyone thinks their jokes are funnier, repeats a story you've heard a million times with more embellishments or, the worst, act like they're completely sober and corner you for a conversation as they stare with serious intent as if talking about Brexit will somehow undercut the fact that they've had four pints of Guinness. Absolutely do not go to nightclubs, because you start to notice things like how annoying everyone is, how much people shout, how grimy the floors in the bathroom are. As a sober person in a nightclub, you end up acting like a silent, mysterious visitor, watching no one in particular from the corner while clutching a can of Red Bull, and leaving without telling anyone, and then thinking deeply about your life on the walk home. "What's wrong with Una?" "Oh, she's not drinking." "Oh, right," they'll say, as if your dog just died.

4. Judge people’s excuses for not doing a sober month

People will come up with a large array of excuses to get out of being sober for a month. They have “too much on”, there’s that wedding, and the work drinks, or it’s their boyfriend’s birthday in three weeks time, or they totally would give up except someone’s having that thing so what’s the point in giving up for the month because they’ll be drinking at that anyway, etc. etc. My girlfriend says she can’t give up alcohol for November because of the American presidential election, which is a new one on me. It’s important to judge these excuses to maintain your moral high ground. The best retort is, “well, there’s always stuff on”. Then just leave that hanging in the air while you tweak out on more coffee.

5. Use not drinking as leverage to not engage with social activities

Not drinking for a month is actually a great way to check out wholesale of socialising for a set period of time. Considering a large percentage of socialising is effort and/or obligation, being sober gives you an excellent get out clause. This is compounded by the fact that Irish people attach the consumption of alcohol to nearly every occasion. “Want to go to the cinema on Thursday?” “Oh, sorry, not drinking.” “Where are you watching the match?” “Oh, I’m not drinking so I was just going to watch it at home,” and so on.

6. Share pictures of hikes on social media

There is no purpose to not drinking if you can't impose your new amazing healthy lifestyle on everyone as if holding off on booze for 30 days has magically turned you into some kind of Gaisce leader. While those still left drinking for the month must circle their wagons, removing any soberites from their social circle, they can't hide from Instagram, Twitter, Snapchat or Facebook. Post about your Sunday morning Sugarloaf climb, your windswept walk on the beach, the latest details about how sore your arms are from boxercise, and how you've forgotten what a hangover feels like.

And finally, roll on December 1st.