Time for men to play their part in ending domestic abuse

For decades, feminism was supposed to be women’s work, though women can no more mitigate sexism without engaging men than people of colour can address racism without the participation of white people…

– Rebecca Solnit

Domestic abuse of women and children is increasing and society seems powerless to stop it. A different complementary approach to services in existence is needed, one where men, who are part of the problem, are also part of the solution. Most work around violence in the home occurs “after the fact”, after the abuse has happened. Abuse services are what they say: services for people who are victims of abuse.

Recent cuts to vital services and advocacy provided by refuges, Women's Aid, women's helplines, National Women's Council, Rape Crisis Centres, and women's community groups, probably confirm the view that such violence is a "nuisance rather than a crime" (Sharon O'Halloran, Safe Ireland)

We live in a male dominated society where every avenue of power – industry, science, organised religion, medicine, education, politics, the army, the legal system – is controlled by men. It operates inevitably in favour of this dominant sex.

But it should and must be possible for men and women to work collaboratively to end domestic abuse. While not all white people are racist, they do benefit from being white. Similarly, not all men are abusers but they do benefit from being men.

A small but increasing number of men and women are working together to support women and children and minimise abuse against them: Move (Men Overcoming Violent Emotions) and MEND (The Men’s Development Network). They work most of the time “before the fact” , to prevent domestic violence.

If men are 50 per cent of the population, where are they when it comes to stopping domestic abuse? And why is a substantial majority of this 50 per cent, who are not abusers, not actively engaged in tackling the problem?

Like-minded men

Women-only organisations cannot do it alone; they need support from like-minded men. You could say they should encourage men into the struggle. Men and male thinking could be supportive in fund-raising, lobbying, campaigning, strategising etc. But men should not need encouragement. They should be able to stand up by themselves and join with women as “gender activists”.

The political benefits for men and women working together as equals, fighting the scourge of mutual domestic abuse, could be immense; discussing, debating, planning, lobbying, fund-raising, having serious fun and demonstrating how to work as a team in a supportive, non-sexist way!

Setting up a men’s helpline, dedicated to male abusers who want to end their abusive behaviour, could and should be the work of men alone. It’s not too much to ask, given the history of abuse

Which is where the fledgling Domestic Abuse Prevention Alliance (DAPA) comes in. It gives those sympathetic to the cause an opportunity to offer their services as helpline operators and thus begin domestic abuse prevention work in parallel with women's groups. They will be offered personal awareness training and information on the wider role of men and maleness in the power and control of women.

This alliance of women and men working together to end domestic abuse, comprises a male and female management/steering group and an exclusively male helpline operator team.

Helpline service

It provides a confidential telephone helpline service which will, initially, encourage men to take the first steps to end their physical, verbal and emotional abuse in personal relationships.

Eventually DAPA hopes to focus on female abusers with a female helpline operator team. But initially its focus is on taking the first steps to stopping men abusing other men, women and children. Male on male abuse and women abusers are issues but DAPA will focus on women and children – although everyone is welcome to use the Helpline.

Our primary aim is to assist men in taking the first steps towards giving up power and control through the use of violence.

Male volunteers will staff the helpline following an intensive training process. They will be expected to engage other men in realistic conversations about violence and direct them to relevant help groups, such as Move, the Men’s Development Network or individual counselling services where they can continue their rehabilitation.

Helpline volunteers and others will also be prepared to visit schools, institutions, NGO community and teachers organisations to talk about their work and prevention. This will be a powerful role model for young and old.

Now it is men’s turn to stand up and play our part in helping to end male abuse in the home.

Joe Kelly is a member of the Domestic Abuse Prevention Alliance. He worked in and was a board member of a women’s refuge in Dublin and was a member of Men Overcoming Violent Emotions .