DRAPIER/An insider's guide to politics: As someday it will happen that reshuffles will come round, I've got a little list, I've got a little list, Of soundbite Oireachtas colleagues who their opposite numbers hound, And who almost always miss . . . They could make a better fist!
There's the Government backbencher who does everything by halves,
And the Opposition deputy who makes speeches just for laughs;
All the FF quota sitters, and Fine Gael ones, too,
Red, green and Independent sorts, and those of different hue;
The eternal convenor who on committee sits;
They'd none of 'em be missed - well, some of them we'd miss.
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There's the Section 31 mover, and others of the kind,
Who want to skip the queue to speak, but the chair's not of a
mind;
And the lazy frontbench type, who is really not upfront,
And the lazier backbenchers who are never in the hunt,
And Committee Stage performers who are never off the stage.
Don't mention Michael Ring like this, you'll send him in a rage.
There's the "clearly speaking" Ministers who create a heavy mist,
While they keep the country in the dark, they'll stay upon the list.
Teachtaí who speak as Gaeilge, MEPs who parlent Français,
Or those who speak plain English like Penrose and Tom Hayes,
And that rarity, the orator who's almost never hissed,
That surely would be missed, it surely would be missed.
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Only three hours for Private Members' time, it really isn't fair,
For Thursday morning sessions now, the Taoiseach is not there.
Now some who made it possible insist he's on the mitch.
Are they acting on the stage, or playing on the pitch?
Seanad leaders who praise Bertie with a less than friendly tone,
And TDs who support drug treatment in every area but their own.
Corkonians Denis O'Sullivan, Gerard Murphy and Brendan Ryan,
Chief Whips like Bernard Durkan who make sure you toe the line.
Then there's the smarmy old campaigner who has all the babies
kissed,
He'd surely not be missed, we'll keep him on the list.
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Disruptive members of the House the Ceann Comhairle wants to
name;
Some complain of election promises, but none to take the blame;
And Gay Mitchell claiming loudly neutrality'll not be missed;
And those whose economic grasp proves ignorance is bliss;
The sporting Oireachtas footballers who lost three times in a
row.
Still Deenihan and Blaney will always have a go;
Those who work in recess time, and are never on the piste,
Pat Carey, Trevor Sargent and Seymour Crawford, not the least;
And haughty Independents who some day may be "Cuffed";
Ministers who've not read their briefs but winged it through and
bluffed;
And others who go unrecognised for there is no Honours List;
They'd some of them be missed, they'd some of them be missed.
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TDs with Points of Order or on adjournment seek debate;
And those whom Mary Hanafin whips but always turn up late;
Senators who leave their mobiles on while on the Seanad floor,
Rory Kiely will not tolerate, he'll quickly show the door;
The quorum-calling nuisances who on Fridays cause upset;
The opinion polling pundits who always each-way bet;
Tribunals of inquiry which forever seem to meet,
But they've upset the golden circles and have really shown some
teeth;
And Ministers who back at home will broker local deals;
And health board administrations like trolleys with no wheels,
The ever-present bar-room bores who pronounce and bend the
wrist,
They'd clearly not be missed, they'd surely not be missed.
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Experienced elder statesmen who will sometimes compromise,
Whose overweening caution is designed to show they're wise,
Such as Bertie, Enda, Pat and others you could guess;
Who can do the business of the House but enjoy a little jest,
Seán Power who brings a welcome laugh, and Frankie Feighan,
just great gas;
Who provide a public service without favouring creed nor class;
The honourable and hard-working who really prevail by far;
And committed public representatives who will never get the car;
Decent souls who do the drudgery and for it get abuse,
From smart-alec commentators in truth of little use;
And Sinn Féin Assembly members who want a Dáil seat, too.
They're welcome to democracy, but dual mandates just won't do.
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To those who in recess will in committee meet,
And work hard in constituencies, not just to keep the seat.
To all who have the courage a mandate for to seek,
Your efforts here are recognised, it isn't for the meek.
No, on mature reflection, Drapier now takes a broader view,
If we didn't have a parliament, we'd have a jungle or a zoo,
So he/she wishes all the colleagues rest, soon once again to tryst,
For all their imperfections, we all of them would miss, we all of
them would miss.
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Now as we break for recess I bid a fond adieu,
As to Drapier's true identity there's not herein a clue.
Was that Drapier in the Chamber or in the Members' Bar?
Does she own a Ford Fiesta, or is he chauffeured round by car?
The task of making out the rhyme I'd rather leave to you,
But did my weekly missive give all of them fair due?
Were some slighted by no mention, or did they not impress?
Does Drapier know how hard they work? Yes, much more than all
the rest.
But it really doesn't matter who you put upon the list,
They'd all of them be missed, they'd all of them be missed.