Permanent Protestant, the bank that took the Irish out of Anglo

NEWTON'S OPTIC:DEAR SIR or Wife, Thank you for opening an account with Permanent Protestant, the nice reliable bank.

It is our pleasure to welcome you, as a new customer, with the enclosed caramel square and a certain degree of stand- offishness. Details of our services are listed below. Please note that some services may last for up to three hours.

Current Accounts

Our basic Calvinist Account offers no nonsense and no frills, with harsh penalties for free-spending or going out with loose change. Our more forgiving Anglican Account permits occasional oversights for a modest sandwich and cake fee. Or you might prefer our Easy-Access Evangelical Account, where you give us 10 per cent of your income and we’ll overlook just about anything.

Savings Accounts

You can save through Our Lord Jesus Christ or, for younger savers, through Our Lord Henry Hippo. You can save as much as you like, although after a while people will start calling you an attention seeker. Withdraw your savings at any time by doing something outrageous.

Joint Accounts

Come into the branch to meet the other name on your future joint account. A lot of couples get together through online banking these days but we prefer the personal touch, as long as there is no actual touching of the person. Acoustic guitar players always welcome. Wear a nice hat.

Overdrafts

We accept that you may find yourself overdrawn from time to time, but that does not mean we find it acceptable. The penalty for going overdrawn is pitiful looks and whispering in the car park. If you notify us in advance, we will send a letter confirming that you knew this would happen but did nothing about it.

Interest

Interest should be paid every Sunday, sometimes twice, and also on Wednesday evenings if you’re really keen. You can take a youth group away on weekends and maybe organise something for Christmas. Any more than that is overdoing it.

Standing Orders

If you have an Anglican Account you may receive standing orders, followed by kneeling orders, following by yet more standing orders. Otherwise you may sit down throughout.

Cash Cards

Each customer has their own unique Priesthood Identification Number. Use this to access God directly. Permanent Protestant undertakes to install cash machines in a manner which ensures privacy without suggesting confession. Evangelical Account holders may choose to believe that debit cards are the Mark of the Beast. Everyone else may choose Visa or Maestro.

Statements

You can make an annual statement about your finances. We discourage monthly statements (see “attention seeking”, above). Permanent Protestant will not disclose your financial details to a third party. Protestants are never invited to more than two parties.

Hours of Business

Branches are open from 9am to 5pm, where by 9am we actually mean 9am and not “about 9ish” or “more like 9.30”. We will also let you in right up to 5pm, without giving you dirty looks or pulling the shutters half-down. We still won’t be happy about it, of course. But then again, we never are.

Permanent Protestant was part of the Anglo-Irish group before that term lost all respectability. If anyone asks, we now belong to Anglo-Scottish Holdings.