Offside run-down of the FF players

NEWTON'S OPTIC:DUE TO their sudden availability for other work, The Irish Timesbrings you exclusive commentary on the Fianna Fáil leadership contest from Sky Sports presenters Andy Gray and Richard Keys.

Keys: So what about this Brian Lenihan bloke then? I hear he eats a lot of onions. That sounds a bit French to me, I don’t think he can be trusted.

Gray: You can’t trust the French, that’s for sure, or any man who eats like a Frenchman. He’ll eat a lot of cheese with those onions as well, and not off a good honest cocktail stick with a piece of pineapple like we do in Glasgow. It’ll be off some poncy cheeseboard thing.

Keys: Probably pays tax on his wages too. No matter how many times you explain it to them, the French just don’t understand the offshore rule. Let’s not forget he’s Irish as well. Irish and French, that’s a bad combination. Remember the Falklands?

Gray: What a match that was. We didn’t sink the General Maradona by eating cheese, or take Port Stanley Matthews by throwing onions. So do you fancy Michael Martin for an early goal?

Keys: I think you’ll find that’s “Meehall” in the Gaelic tongue.

Gray: Ah, the old Irish brogue! Very like the Scottish accent in many ways.

Keys: Best known for the smoking ban, of course, is Meehall. Clearly a man who hates pubs, clubs and ordinary blokes, especially ordinary blokes who go to pubs and clubs to watch Sky Sports on the big screen.

Gray: When did the world go mad, Richard?

Keys: While we were at work, mate. While we were at work. So do you fancy Mary Hanafin instead?

Gray: I wouldn’t use the words “fancy” and “Mary Hanafin” in the same sentence. She’s a bit of a “prim aunt” to coin a phrase, and I can say that without being sexist because it was a woman on her own team, Mary O’Rourke, who said it first.

Keys: Isn’t that always the way with the ladies, Andy? They’re their own worst enemies in any job. Men might have a bit of banter around the office, maybe play the odd practical joke or two, but it’s all a bit of fun, just our way of saying “you’re one of the lads, love”. It’s the other women they have to watch out for.

Gray: So you think Hanafin deserves a shot?

Keys: Christ no. She looks like she’s sitting on the corner flag. I’ll be keeping my eye on young Éamon Ó Cuív.

Gray: Ó Cuív? Honestly, I can’t get my head round these Nigerian names. It’s O Bongo this and O Bama that. Could they not pick an English name as well, like the Chinese players? Wonderfully polite people, the Chinese.

Keys: Let’s call him Keith, I’m sure he won’t mind. Passes to the left, according to his card. I’m not impressed with this “Minister for Social Protection” thing though. When I’m being social I don’t like protection.

Gray: Well, there’s a fat man with a pint of Guinness blowing the starting whistle.

Keys: The “referaoiseach,” as he’s called in these parts. But Andy, are you sure that isn’t the final whistle?