Now lads, you're not playing fair

Six out of seven women would rather be at home than at work, a British survey "revealed" last week . Remarkable. Myself, I'd rather be at dinner. In Mauritius, writes Kathy Sheridan

And what did we learn about men's preferences? As usual, no one asked them. However, based on my own quantitative survey - i.e. the number of times I was forced to dive into ditches by fat-male-driven cars hurtling around Straffan by-roads last weekend - I'll hazard a guess. The golf course?

It's an enigma.

That muted tapping noise? That's golf-land's version of wild applause. The man lightly tipping his Callaway cap? That will be the new champion, celebrating. Bored now.

Given the image of golfers as the thinkers and shakers de nos jours, a study of the beast by sports psychologists Dr George Sik and Alex Pearce (sportpsychology.com) is instructive. As golf is a solo sport, it's hardly news that many hail from the ranks of loners and the antisocial. But how about pessimistic, unfocused, indecisive, dithering daydreamers?

Sik and Pearce must be joking. Now we have to reimagine golfers as insecure, loveable, funny Woody Allen types? Just hold the bell. "Compared with team sports players who generally like to suggest they do it for fun," says Dr Sik, "golfers are much more ambitious about their game, and about life in general." Pessimistic, anti-social and ambitious. Yikes.

Still, it explains why the poor diddums of Portmarnock Golf Club insist that guests with breasts enter the dining room via the kitchen.

One such gent, Mr James E. Bowen, offered further irresistible insights in a letter to the Sunday Business Post.

Headlined "Portmarnock - No Surrender", he begins: "This monastic settlement, on a windswept peninsula in the north bay of Dublin, endures climactic \ conditions for 50 per cent of the time where the words 'struggle' and 'challenge' are used after one's round, depending how well one plays on the day." (See, that's how you breed alpha males. Endless suffering. And beats lap-dancing clubs for climactic conditions).

Then there is the club's "diverse membership", which "varies from tycoons to comedians" (the kind with penises, of course). "We are proud of our 'gene pool' and we feel it can stand up to most clubs in this country and the rest of the world. The ethos of this club, and the unique legacy handed down to the correct tenants of this patch of turf, entails a level of sobriety and socialising that lady members generally could find boring." Oh, Mr Bowen, surely not.

But do describe it for us. "An elaborate post-mortem on the round, followed by some light food, one or two scoops of the local brew and then home. Politics, business may get an airing or the current plight of the 'Shi'ites north and south of the border, or in Iraq!" On second thoughts . . .

"This brand of product provides relief and security for a few hours each week, to a couple of hundred fortunate individual males who require this modest fix!" Relief and security? Dr Sik, you're on to something. He finishes with a paean to the wonders of Portmarnock as a "pristine sanctuary for many forms of wildlife . . . The bonding between the members and migrating species is special and a joy to behold" (and clearly impossible without a penis). Finally, he demands "respect for a legitimate male preserve".

Well, Mr Bowen, I feel I know you very well, so well in fact that I would as soon gouge out my left eye with a rusty paint-scraper as enter your male preserve. But I'm inclined to agree with your suggestion that the Equality Authority is "squandering scarce taxpayers' money" with its legal challenge. The fact is, that no lawyer (especially since so many of them are poor diddumses too) is going to resolve your insecurities. And the worst that Niall Crowley can do is confiscate your bar licence for 30 days. No, my concern is that there are so many of you with this little difficulty, the kind of men we groundlings look up to as high-flying rule-rippers and risk-takers, the kind who hire and fire and dictate policy.

Garda Commissioner Pat Byrne? RTÉ chairman, Paddy Wright? Laurence Crowley, governor of the Bank of Ireland? Do they strike you as men who run scared of women? What's it all about, Dr Sik?

The best part for Mr Bowen et al is that the system is self-perpetuating. A handful of full new members is admitted every year (by invitation only), the vast majority being sons of members and as such, exempted from the €12,400 joining fee.

But listen, even if they wanted to change things, they couldn't. The rules is the rules, as that well-known shrinking violet and club board member, Ben Dunne, pointed out to Shane Ross. "Men and women make the world go round," said Ben and he has "nothing against women", mind. "But when you are a member of a club, you keep the rules." He's only following orders, the creature. Be gentle with him, Niall.