Sir, – A quiet but deeply damaging form of coercive control is impacting many custodial parents in Ireland – most often mothers – who are left to shoulder the full burden of parenting in the absence of consistent or meaningful involvement from non-custodial parents.
While access and maintenance orders may exist on paper, the reality on the ground reveals a stark imbalance. Custodial parents face legal consequences if they obstruct access, yet there is little to no accountability for non-custodial parents who repeatedly fail to honour their obligations – emotionally, practically, or financially.
This neglect is not merely inconvenient; it is often financially devastating and emotionally exhausting. One friend recently arranged, at considerable personal cost, for her children to be collected by their father so she could attend a rare social event. At the last minute, he simply failed to show. There were no consequences. Her plans, her money, and her trust were all wasted.
Another woman I know is raising a child entirely alone, after the father emigrated and ceased all involvement. She receives no financial support and has no recourse. Meanwhile, outdated maintenance figures remain fixed, untouched by inflation, and arrears are repaid slowly and interest-free – a stark contrast to the credit union loans some parents are forced to take out just to keep up.
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These stories are far from isolated. They point to a systemic issue: a failure to enforce parenting and financial responsibilities fairly. The result is a legal and social blind spot that allows one parent to opt out, while the other is left to carry the full emotional and economic weight.
It is time this imbalance was recognised for what it is: a form of coercive control by neglect. Legislative reform is urgently needed. This should include automatic inflation adjustments to maintenance, interest on arrears, enforceable penalties for repeated breaches of access agreements, and reassessments of financial contributions where one parent is absent from a child’s daily life.
Children deserve stability and support from both parents. When one fails to contribute, the other should not be left to suffer in silence.
Even after a controlling partner leaves the home, their influence often lingers. By withholding financial support, disregarding access arrangements, or disappearing entirely, they continue to exert control – limiting the custodial parent’s finances, eroding their free time, and draining their energy. The result is a sustained form of dominance that isolates and exhausts, long after the relationship has ended.- Yours, etc,
MELISSA O’SHEA,
Delgany,
Co Wicklow
