'I would buy a ladder if it wasn't for the guidelines on using one'

NEWTON'S OPTIC:The stories of the week, inside an 'Irish Mail on Sunday' wrap

European harmonisation

Plans for a euro zone “competitiveness pact” will be discussed at a special summit next month. The proposals include a single tax rate, a single wage rate, a single Reichschancellor and a goose-stepped pension age. Inside: Fight them on the beaches with our Dad’s Army deck chair.

Leaders’ debate

Fine Gael leader Enda Kenny has refused to appear in a TV3 debate. Is this the end of reality TV? Will we finally see a return to the quality dramas, preferably starring Enda Kenny, that have disappeared from our screens?

Ó Cuív falls asleep

Fianna Fáil Minister Éamon Ó Cuív has fallen asleep during his party’s manifesto launch. Sources suggest he may have been kept awake all night by noisy neighbours, faulty burglar alarms and an illegal rave to which gardaí failed to respond.

Flats evacuated

The High Court has ordered the evacuation of a Dublin apartment complex until fire escapes have been installed.

Are unaccountable judges teaming up with health and safety kill-joys to destroy the housing market? Inside: “I’d buy a ladder if it wasn’t for the guidelines on using a ladder,” says resident.

Waterstones closures

Book-seller Waterstones has closed both its Dublin branches. Retail analysts blame the rise of computer games, the internet, sex-texting, Facebook stalkers, left-wing teaching methods and Muslim objections to the printing press, which is strongly associated with the Bible.

Ryanair mutiny

About 100 Belgian students were ordered off a Ryanair flight from Spain after a dispute over excess baggage. Would you like to win a flight to Spain? Collect 100 Belgian students in our exciting reader offer.

Ringsend Quay collapses

A section of the quay wall at Ringsend has collapsed into the river Dodder, possibly due to youths sitting on it while smoking cannabis. The 200-year-old wall was not designed to bear the weight of today’s teenagers, who often tip the scales at 30 stone.

Naas dump fire

The fire at an unauthorised dump in Naas could burn for a further week, says Kildare fire service. Were Travellers responsible? We could comb through the rubbish for scorched carpets and blackened crystal balls.

Political reform

All three main parties plan to abolish the Seanad, scrapping 90 years of Irish tradition based on 200 years of British tradition based on 500 years of Anglo-Irish tradition based on 700 years of English tradition. Have we lost all respect for our unique traditions?

HSE reform

More mental health provision is required, says report. Will the demands of these asylum seekers never end?

Royal visit

Tourist chiefs hope the queen will travel to Killarney during the royal visit. Could she persuade Wills and Kate to join her? Find out in our “Royal Wedding Ring of Kerry” special, pages 12-68.

Flu vaccine

Scientists have developed a vaccine against all known strains of flu. But could it cause obesity, insomnia, irritable bowel, high blood pressure, heart disease, aches and pains or flu?

Newspaper inquiry

The Irish Mail on Sundaycould be prosecuted for copying the Sunday Tribune's front page. Is it publishing correctness gone mad?