How the parish pump can be piped all the way up to the Áras

NEWTON'S OPTIC:All politics is local. This is a sturdy plank of Irish democracy

THE FOLLOWING letters have come into our possession after an An Post van fell into a pothole in the Valentia Island tunnel.

Dear Mr Healey-Rae,

We have considered your request for a nomination to the presidency. Kerry County Council is prepared to support your bid but in return we want a hospital in Cahersiveen. As you know, there are many complex health needs in the Cahersiveen area, such as tourists overcome with boredom on the Ring of Kerry and other tourists breaking their ankles on Skellig Michael, which will also require a dedicated air ambulance. Please find enclosed a confidence and supply agreement for you to sign, return and never make public. It is not entirely clear how the President can deliver a hospital but you may put your flat-thinking cap on and come up with something.

Yours &c.

Dear Jackie,

I thought I had a brass neck but you really take the biscuit. Would €50,000 be out of the question?

Yours &c.

Dear Mr Healey-Rae,

Limerick County Council is happy to back your bid for the presidency but in return we want a bypass around the M7.

The new motorway only reached us last year and already it is clogged up with tourists on their way to the Ring of Kerry and ambulances on their way back from Skellig Michael. We need a county relief route from Birdhill to Abbeyfeale, running along the Cork and Kerry borders. President McAleese spent her whole time in office building bridges so it should be a relatively simple matter for you to build us a road.

Yours &c.

Dear Jackie

Obviously I was only joking about the €50,000. If I give you a nomination, can you get me a meeting with Obama?

Yours &c.

Dear Mr Healey-Rae,

South Tipperary County Council is prepared to nominate you for president but in return we want an airport in Clonmel. It is an outrage that Tipperary has no airport of its own when Cork, Clare and even Kerry have subsidised facilities. As president, you will have regular use of the Government jets and will also be Supreme Commander of the Air Corps. That should be plenty of scope to deliver our entirely reasonable demands. Alternatively, you could take the Knock airport approach. You look like just the sort who might see a statue cry. We were certainly in tears when we received your letter.

Yours &c.

Dear Jackie,

There must be a lot of phone lines into the Áras. Would the contract for that be coming up any time soon?

Yours &c.

Dear Mr Healey-Rae,

Clare County Council is delighted to offer you our support for the presidency but in return we want a Metro West extension to Lahinch. There is already a 1km tunnel past the Aillwee Caves so only another 199km is required, although we will understand if integrated Luas ticketing takes a little longer. As president, you could set up a programme to give the unemployed shovels, perhaps along the lines of that meitheal thing President McAleese was blathering on about. We realise this might seem a little ambitious but we have only one vote in the nomination so we have to make it count.

Yours &c.

Dear Jackie

One more question. Can the President do pardons?

Yours &c.