Crafty Cowen's two Cabinets, with a miniature for each minister

NEWTON'S OPTIC:But it would be wrong to compare Brian Cowen to Hitler for appointing two overlapping arts ministers. Comparing people to Hitler is the President's job. Mr Cowen's job is to appoint a Cabinet which reflects the subtle dualities of modern Ireland.

This is precisely what he has achieved by making Martin Cullen Minister for Arts, Sport and Tourism but especially sport and tourism, while making Martin Mansergh Minister of State for Arts, Sport and Tourism but especially the arts. Who can deny that there are two different types of art, requiring two different types of art minister?

Yet who would be elitist enough in these egalitarian times to openly acknowledge the distinction? By appointing two different types of art minister without openly acknowledging the distinction, the Taoiseach has squared the circle.

Mr Mansergh can now get on with building the national theatre while Mr Cullen cheers on Dustin the Turkey. Everyone will know exactly where they stand without the embarrassment of having to say so. It is the perfect solution for a country finally at peace with itself. In fact, it is such a perfect solution Mr Cowen has applied it across his entire Cabinet.

John Gormley, for example, is Minister for Local Government while Michael Kitt is Minister of State for Local Services. It is well known that certain local services are comparable to a theatre while others are comparable to a turkey. Now both can have their own minister without anyone having to admit it.

Willie O'Dea is Minister for Defence while Pat Carey is Minister of State for "Active Citizenship" and Defence. Some citizens take a War and Peace view of defence while others find a Wolfe Tones concert more "active". Both views may now be represented without taking an official view on how representative they are.

Having hit upon this ingenious approach, the Taoiseach has seen no need to restrict it to one minister and one minister of state per unmentionable distinction. There are two ministers and two ministers of state for food safety, including Trevor Sargent, who is also responsible for horticulture. Whether this is highbrow or lowbrow horticulture may depend upon the quality of the food.

The Taoiseach has reserved his most intricate balancing act for the issue of equality, which brings progressive thinkers and complete idiots together in a way that no progressive person really wants to think about.

Dermot Ahern is Minister for Justice, Equality and Law Reform, John Maloney is Minister of State for Equality and the Disabled, Conor Lenihan is Minister of State for Integration Policy, Barry Andrews is Minister of State for Children and Máire Hoctor is Minister of State for Older People. Between them, they can progressively think the Government into any and every equality position required.

Only the Taoiseach himself appears to lack a ministerial foil, either as a Mansergh to his Cullen or a Cullen to his Mansergh. However, he has allowed Mary Harney to remain at the Department of Health. It is always great theatre when turkeys vote for Christmas.