Call me Timothy Geithner of the money-galling Geithners

NEWTON'S OPTIC:HELLO DUBLIN! Hello Ireland!

My name is Timothy Geithner and I’ve come here to fund the apocalypse you lost somewhere along the way.

A wise person once said a broken Ireland is better than a clever England, so here goes: give us our money back. I don’t care if it breaks you and I don’t care what those limeys think. Pogue your hundred thousand welcomes up your mahone and cough up our $30 billion, in full, with interest. That’s how you call in a loan when your boss is from Chicago. As Americans we don’t like to make the Irish bleed because of our ancient history of strong bonds and shared values, but if the choice is weak bonds and share values then pints of blood will be required.

Earlier I dropped in on my eighth under-secretary Henry, known affectionately as “Henry the eighth under-secretary”. He reminded me of a young man who pumped $700 billion of taxpayer’s money into the banks, supported by nothing more than faith – faith in the Almighty, faith in the idea of America.

People of Ireland, that young man was me, and I have passed that debt on to my children and their children and their great-great-great grandchildren. We call it the American dream. But we don’t call it the Irish dream and you can sort your own banks out yourself.

I think we all realise that both our nations have faced great trials in recent years, including recession so severe that many people are still trying to fight their way out. That’s why, as treasury secretary to President Obama, I fought to change American law, advising the president to target our companies in Ireland. Do you remember the speech he gave in 2009, accusing you of being one of the worst three tax havens in the world and making “ordinary Americans pick up the slack”? Maybe you don’t. He is a surprisingly dull public speaker. Or maybe you were too busy fighting with the French.

Anyway, those changes should start kicking in this year, costing you €2.5 billion in lost taxes and threatening 300,000 jobs. But I know your nation will rise to the challenge. You have overcome famine before.

We Irish and we Americans never stop trying to find a better future, even in hard times, by investing in things that matter most like family and community.

However, only we Americans know what “investing in family and community” actually means. To you Irish it sounds like bull****. It certainly doesn’t mean saving for your family after what we’ve done to global interest rates. Look, just pat your kids on the head or something.

We remember too the words of one of your greatest poets, in dreams begin responsibility. Why have I chosen this one phrase out of all the vast canon of Irish literature? Well, I rather obviously mean that if you think our lenders are taking responsibility for one dime of your debt you can dream on, pal.

It must be galling to realise how much money I’ve cost you despite all my fine talk here today. So call me Timothy Geithner of the money-galling Geithners, and thank you Ireland. Thank you very much.