Newton's Optic: In which Newton Emerson sees the New Gerryusalem.
'Are you calling us black?"
A frosty silence settled over the Yasser Arafat Memorial Conference Bunker, deep beneath the sacred soil of Ramallah. Gerry Adams knew at once that he had caused grave offence.
"What I meant when I said that Israel needs to find its de Klerk is . . ."
"You are calling us black!" President Mahmoud Abbas shouted. "Typical! You British are so arrogant. We did not invite you here to insult the Palestinian people."
"I meant no disrespect," Adams replied. "I simply meant that we are all 'black' in solidarity with the oppressed."
Another silence briefly ensued.
"Are you talking about Darfur?" Prime Minister Ismail Haniya asked.
"Because if you are, Mr Adams, you should know that Sudan is only bombing those villages to secure peace for its Arab population."
The meeting was becoming sidetracked.
"Enough!" President Abbas cried. "Mr de Klerk has been here several times, so clearly he does not think we are black. But the reason you are here, Mr Adams, is to talk to us about the one-state solution."
"Don't you mean the two-state solution?" Adams asked.
"Are you calling us stupid now as well?" Abbas thundered.
"It is the Zionists who want a two-state solution. We want a one-state solution, like you have promised for Ireland by 2016. So tell us, how do we achieve Jewish withdrawal and a united Palestine within 10 years?"
Now it was Adams's turn to fall silent. The internationalisation agenda wasn't going to plan at all. Martin was just back from Sri Lanka in a terrible rage after the Tamil Tigers told him they wanted to partition off the northeast of the island and form a union with India. Now Hamas was getting the wrong end of the stick as well. Why couldn't they just let him be their black brother in struggle?
"Every conflict resolution situation is different," Adams responded, finally. "Conflict resolution?" Information Minister Yousef Rizqa said. "I'll show you what I think of your 'conflict resolution'!"
He began to unbutton his shirt. Adams looked on aghast. What hideous Israeli torture scar or shrapnel wound was the minister about to expose?
"IRA - Undefeated Army," Rizqa yelled, revealing an all-too-familiar T-shirt. "I bought it on ebay for $19.95. Look, Mr Adams - you have signed it yourself."
"This is getting us nowhere," Foreign Affairs Minister Dr Mahmoud al-Zahar interrupted. "We must establish the indivisible integrity of Palestine, including the occupied territories. Mr Adams, what do you suggest?"
The Sinn Féin President-for-Life stroked his beard in contemplation. He was, of course, the greatest political mind of modern times. But could he really solve the problems of the Middle-East in an afternoon? Then suddenly he had it.
"Gentlemen, your supporters have dug many tunnels," he declared. "Now they must dig a canal - from the coast at Gaza to the Dead Sea, along the River Jordan and back to the coast at Haifa."
"But how will that make us a nation once again?" Dr al-Zahar asked, mystified.
"By making you an island!" Adams exclaimed. "Everyone knows that an island must always be governed as a single political unit."
It was a master stroke, yet the legislative council seemed strangely unimpressed.
"I see, I see," Dr al-Zahar said at last. "Tell us, Mr Adams - is that what Martin McGuinness told the Tamil Tigers?"