AN IRISHMAN'S DIARY

NEITHER Cardinal Daly nor Archbishop Robin Eames was there, even though it had been publicised as the "World of Primates". But the Minister for High Society, Mr Gay Mitchell, most definitely was. There were no senior gardai, however. Still, the former Secretary of the Department of Finance, Mr Sean Cromien, attended, as did Mr Peter Wilson, the director of Dublin Zoo, and members of its society, also senior people from the Office of Public Works, contractors, architects, et al. Lots of suits, and Mr Tony Gregory.

All were officiating at the opening of a new housing complex for six foreign families, who have been living in Dublin for some time, but in somewhat less than state of the art conditions. That cannot be said anymore. The complex is part of a £2 million development, which was described as the "leading world class accommodation" of its type, by Mr Wilson. He knows about these things.

There are also plans to build many more such complexes for other foreign families domiciled here, over the next 10 years - to a further value of £13 million.

A typical resident of the new complex, opened last Thursday is "S". He comes from Chicago, and lives there with his two common law wives, Maggie and Leonie. He has never had a job, and shows no likelihood of ever having one. He is described as "highly intelligent" and "very inquisitive", with "an excellent memory" but, according to official reports he is said to spend most of his time "dozing". His typical daily pattern is one of "snack, rest, snack, sleep."

He and his common law wife Maggie had a baby daughter, Riona, last February. They rejected her. She is now being reared by the Creighton family at Blanchardstown in Dublin.

His new house, paid for by the State (of course) is centrally heated. It is visited daily (of course) by cleaners, and he and his wives have their meals delivered, free (of course) every day. The meals, too (of course), are free.

As the Minister for The Whole of Europe Bar None, Mr Mitchell, opened the new development, "S" threw rocks into the moat near his house, yes his house has a moat, too (of course). Then he just sat there with his hand out (of course).

Full of Praise

Predictably, Tony Gregory was full of praise for the development. It was "an enormous improvement" on conditions there for the residents up to now, he said, "and has to be welcomed." Then the residents are constituents of his, though it is said they don't vote.

A lesser politician probably would escort "S" and his wives personally to the polling booth at every election. For his paid "S" would not comment when asked who he voted for. He just threw another rock into the moat.

In his speech, the Minister for Getting Headlines Above All Else quoted Sean Lemass: "The country which measures success in economic terms is a country which has no soul." We have never had it so good, he said, materially we have never been better off, so it was incumbent on us to look after those who did not share in this prosperity, and he referred to the Government's local development programme.

"S", the object of much of this, was unimpressed. He did not yawn, but showed as much enthusiasm for the speech as an extra in Waiting for Godot. Then, when the State hands you everything on a plate, what incentive is there? Even to applaud the Minister for an Olympics At A Venue Near You. Even his wives have been supplied. Free (of course). Both are Dutch.

Maggie is called after a former British Prime Minister. It was feared she might be overwhelmed by "S" and Leonie, on arrival in Dublin. Instead of which she handgabbed the two of them. But that is as near Thatcherism as this most blatant group of state spongers would be. Even when "S" showed little, er . . . erotic interest in Maggie or Leonie, the state intervened again to ensure satisfaction. It brought in another partner for them. When "S" saw this be became so jealous he, er ... both his wives. The result was the abandoned Riona, now a ward of State and, and (of course) somebody else's responsibility.

Monkey Business

Then, the Minister for Press Releases, Press Releases, Press Releases, said "when this Government gets up, to monkey business, it really is up to monkey business." It is true. The evidence was there for all to see, but the honesty . . . the directness, was daring, the previous Government too", he added, in a reference particularly to Bertie Ahern's work as Minister for Finance. A sharing of the praise. Or the blame maybe? For who is there to criticise if they are all involved?

"Dublin is a great city," continued the Minister for Making Judges Mad, "a great Vikings' city, a city of great literature and Georgian heritage".

"My Dublin, I'm Ronnie Drew for 98FM," a gravelly voice whispered, with less than reverence. It seemed to come from "S", but he had retreated back towards his house, and there was nothing else in that direction but a tree. Perhaps a senior special branch man was barking up there? Particularly high, society.

The Minister for the Biggest Literary Award In The World for a Single Publication And You Had Better Believe It continued, oblivious. Then, he is good at that. "People are just as important as animals," he said to gasps from onlookers, and he mentioned that planned local development programmes would create 8,000 jobs.

At the word "jobs", "S" moved further into his compound. Then, maybe it was that "people are as important as animals" comment, which caused him to withdraw. For "S" has an unmistakeable dignity. He spends a lot of time sitting on it.

He returned to observe us once more, with something less than uninterest. Languid as a humid day.

The Minister for Running the European Presidency While All About Him Are Losing Theirs, was by then talking about a peculiarly Dublin place called the "Azoo". He had been there often as a child, like most Dublin youngsters, he said. Mr Sean Cromien, who is a Dub too, said he was often there as a child as well, and Mr Gregory was there after his First Communion and Confirmation. Some sort of Tir na nOg, for Dubs, maybe.

It was clear "S" had never been there, however. He evidenced no recognition, as the Minister For Drug Abuse Awareness Among My Colleagues In The Dail referred to the Azoo. Maybe that's because he is from Chicago?

But the real question at the opening of Dublin Zoo's new World of Primates habitat last Thursday, was just who was the ape in the company? Sibu - for "S" is he - observing us, or we observing him? We who gladly pay for the enviable lifestyle to which he quite obviously intends remaining accustomed, while he . . . is an Orang Utan, not an ape.