An Irishman's Diary

Spare a thought for immigrants trying to master everyday English. Off they go to language classes to learn useless phrases such as, "Excuse me, waiter! May I have a table in the smoking section please?" And then they encounter the real world. Many must rely on television to improve their knowledge of the language, which is not necessarily a good idea.

On ITV recently, a presenter introduced the young jazz singer Jamie Cullum by describing him as "a wonderful young Englishman". And Mr Cullum's gracious response to this flattery? "That's sinister," he said, truly humbled. Well, that's pretty Orwellian. Mr Cullum was using the word "sinister" in its latest incarnation as a positive indicator and really meant to say: "How terribly kind of you to say so, old chap!"

It's hard to keep up with changes in the language, isn't it? Suddenly TV correspondents have started to refer to "the IDF" - by which they mean the Israeli Defence Forces. But why? After all, no one talks about "the BA" in Northern Ireland, do they? And there is endless speculation about what the "Arab Street" thinks - a reference to public opinion in Arab states and something difficult to measure reliably in countries which lack a free press.

On RTE2 recently, a presenter described the 2004 Munster Hurling Final as "an absolutely ridiculous game", no doubt confident that his audience (who would call "trainers" shoes) would understand him to mean that it was wonderfully thrilling.

Tipperary hurling manager Babs Keating described his team as "dead only to wash them" after they apparently suffered "collateral damage" at the hands of Galway earlier this year. Perhaps they need to follow the example of Wexford hurler Liam Dunne who, in his autobiography, revealed that his training regime frequently involved "bursting his hole". This seems to be a latter-day interpretation of Kipling's dictum on how to achieve manliness: "If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew; To serve your turn long after they are gone".

"You're not goin' to go burstin' me nads now, are ya?" asked a toughie on the TV soap Fair City recently. Apparently this is street slang for: "You are not going to give me a hard time, cause me any 'grief', or frankly, kick me in the groin, now, are you?" The singer Brian Kennedy told RTÉ that he had been "crapping" himself during his Eurovision Song Contest performance - which means he was nervous. And, confusingly many viewers rated his performance as "crap" (not terribly good) when the moment came to text in their votes.

Remember when "taking a break" involved a nice cup of tea and perhaps a Kit Kat? Preferably enjoyed mid-morning and known - ah, nostalgia - as "elevenses"? These days, tea-breaks are for wimps and, by 11am, "masters of the universe" (people who work in the IFSC) have been on the go for at least five hours, sold €200 million worth of eurobond futures and plan to "graze" at their desks (instead of going out to lunch). This involves eating a ciabatta filled with avocado chicken while "googling", which means "looking something up" - such as Ryanair flight schedules or the latest news from Big Brother.

"Taking a break" now means to separate temporarily from a boyfriend or girlfriend. Such a rupture is necessitated by a desire for more "me time", a need to "get one's head together", "to chill" or, to "try getting it together with" someone else (formerly known as dating).

He's "out at work" was the reply housewives once made to salesmen who called and asked to speak to the man of the house. These days, if a woman's husband is "out at work" then, "Houston, we have a problem" - because the innocent little phrase has been hijacked and now means to be "openly gay" in the workplace. Which everyone once was, of course, before the advent of ghastly "human resources consultants" or, worse, "management consultants" with their soul-destroying culture of "core competencies" and "peer performance reviews".

People now often "go mental", which doesn't necessarily mean they need psychiatric help but rather that they are experiencing a certain level of frustration occasioned by minor inconveniences - as in: "My boss went totally mental when I said I needed Monday off". This febrile state often results in outcomes which cause great disappointment and leave people feeling "totally gutted". For example: "I was totally gutted when Una and Brian got voted off Celebrity You're a Star". This was quite disgraceful if you thought their spirited performances were "minty" - the latest way of describing something as impressive or "cool", from which the expression derives.

Tiger Woods used a variation of "gutted" when he said he was "bummed out" that his father did not live to witness his winning this year's British Open. Luckily, the golfer is deemed to possess "bouncebackability", which means "the ability to recover after a setback in sport" and is a term apparently used by Sky Sports presenters.

The last word for now goes to the Washington Post which asked its readers to supply alternative meanings for various words. Among the delightful entries were: Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon; Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained;

Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach; Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline; and Pokemon (n.), a Jamaican proctologist.