An Irishman's Diary

A reading from the Gospel according to St Luke's:

And lo it came to pass that in the second year of the reign of King Albert, Bertie called unto himself his disciples, and from among them chose 12; or, to be more exact, they chose themselves.

And when they offered him financial assistance, he at first rebuffed them, sending them forth unto the lost sheep of the house of Israel. But in the event, the apostles went not unto the Sheep, but unto the Goat (bar and lounge), where they hatched a plot to help him anyway. For the kingdom of Bertie was at hand.

And the names of the Twelve were these: James (the Just); Joseph, son of Zebedee; Fintan; Charlie the publican; Padraic; Paddy the Drumcondra-ite; Paddy, also named "the plasterer"; Des; David; Dermot; Barry; and Mick.

And Bertie said unto them: "I will make you fishers of men." But he added quickly that this was just a metaphor, and that if there were any marine jobs going, such as the chairmanship of Dublin Port, they would be filled strictly on merit.

Quoting scripture (Matthew 10:18-22), he also said, ominously: "I send you forth as sheep in the midst of wolves: be ye therefore wise as serpents, and harmless as doves. But beware of men: for they will deliver you up to the councils, and they will scourge you in their synagogues. And ye shall be brought before governors and kings for my sake, for a testimony against them and the Gentiles. And ye shall be hated of all men for my sake; but he that endureth to the end shall be saved."

Then, on a slightly lighter note, Bertie gave the Twelve some lifestyle advice: "Carry neither gold, nor silver, nor brass in your pockets. Nor wear ye two coats, unless at least one be an anorak." For this was the way of Bertie, who - even to this day - liveth humbly. And so they went forth together among the Faganites, casting out unclean spirits and drinking only ale.

Now it came to pass that in the last year of the reign of Albert, the tribes of Hibernia, who had long wandered in the economic wilderness (beyond the shores of Georgelee), began to hear of the great things that Bertie was doing.

A vast multitude gathered to acclaim him, whereof Bertie said unto the servants (who were also called "Department of Finance officials"): give ye them food to eat. But the servants said: "We have here but five loaves and two fishes, for this is only 1994 and Exchequer returns are still modest." And Bertie took unto himself the loaves and fishes and fed the multitudes, saying afterwards that there was plenty more from whence that cometh.

Some time later, Bertie sent his disciples into a boat, and went up a mountain to pray. But a storm came and a great Rainbow appeared in the sky. The ship was tossed on the waves, so that his disciples were sore afraid, until Bertie came upon them again and walked on water. And lo, the storm subsided, and the Rainbow disappeared.

Henceforth, even greater multitudes acclaimed him, gathering wherever he went, that they might only touch the hem of his garment. And Bertie went among them, performing miracles and shaking many hands. So that the scribes and pharisees saith: "Who is this man, that cureth the sick, that maketh the blind to see again, and that performeth the official reopening of Lazarus's tomb? Surely he be not as good as all that?" And lo, it came to pass that the scribes and pharisees heard of his deeds among the Faganites and of the Goat sacrifice offered in his honour. This was to fulfil the scripture: "Ye shall be brought before governors and kings for my sake, to give testimony".

And the scribes and pharisees came unto Bertie, saying: "Wherefore taketh thou money from these people? Amounteth that not to a transgression of the ways of the elders?" And Bertie said unto them: "Woe unto you, scribes and pharisees, ye that would count my communion money but see not the confirmation money in thine own eyes. Woe unto you, ye pied pipers! Get thee hence."

And saying this, he went down into the valley of Sharon, which is also called the valley of Dobbo. And appearing before a great multitude, he saith of his apostles: "I was hungry and they gave me food; I was thirsty and they gave me drink; I was naked and they clothed me. But verily I say unto you, they neither sought nor were given anything in return." And so saying, he went forth again to await the verdict of the people, who on the whole were prepared to cut him some slack, apart from one or two shouts of "Release Ivor".

Now there was called at this time a meeting of the Sanhedrin (literally the "Progressive Democrats"). These were the chief priests and judges of the Hibernian people, who gathered periodically on a place called the Moral High Ground.

(Continued page 94)