An Irishman's Diary

The 2006 Ryder Cup was an organisational triumph, no question. Congratulations are due to everyone involved at the K Club. But considering our enormous contribution to the event's history, surely it is now time that Ireland got a turn at hosting this prestigious competition.

Which is not to distract from the achievements of Dr Michael Smurfit and the people of Smurfland, the small, extremely wealthy and semi-autonomous enclave in Kildare that beat us to it. The Smurfish people will be walking taller today, and justifiably so. Yet without wishing to steal their glory, those of us who live in the surrounding territory feel we deserve at least some of the credit for the weekend's success.

For one thing, we contributed most of the attendance, whose warmth and good humour attracted such favourable comment in the overseas press. That

good humour survived the notoriously strict visa procedures for those entering Smurfland, not to mention that country's strange customs with regard to the importation of alcohol, electronic equipment, and lawn chairs.

It must have been particularly odd for Irish visitors on Sunday evening, watching in sobriety as the winning team indulged in the sort of epic acts of drinking you wouldn't see in a gold-miners' brothel.

Even in the face of such provocation, the visitors maintained their respectful attitude to Smurfland's traditions to the last. The one exception was that poor man on the 18th green who, finally cracking under the pressure of the spectator etiquette code, tore his clothes off and jumped in the lake, in an apparent attempt to swim back to Ireland.

At the risk of straw-clutching, we can also claim another key contribution to the event, or at least to the European victory. Like Finnegans Wake, Smurfland has the River Liffey running through it. And this quintessentially Irish waterway was a star throughout, swallowing American golf-balls faster than their owners could hit them. Nothing summed up the pathetic plight of the US team like Tiger Woods's caddie sacrificing his master's nine-iron on Sunday in a desperate but vain effort to appease the angry river gods.

Unlike the river, of course, the K Club's manicured parkland golf course is quintessentially American. It was even criticised as such by some US commentators beforehand, unaware that their team would need every help it could get.

Should the Ryder Cup ever be held here, however, those same commentators may regret complaining about the K Club. Although Irish and Smurfish GDP levels are closer than they once were, the typical course in this country is part of our legacy from an impoverished past. Banned under the penal laws from playing golf openly, the native Irish were forced to create "courses" hidden among coastal dunes, in Godforsaken places like Portmarnock and Ballybunion, using only land that was too poor for growing potatoes.

Unfortunately, therefore, the average Irish links course would be an even bigger challenge to the US team, a factor that probably mitigates against the Ryder Cup ever being held here. On the plus side, there's our weather. Yes we get plenty of rain in Ireland, just as they do in Smurfland. But unlike the K Club, which apparently has a semi-tropical climate, at least we don't get hurricanes.

Smurfland has very close links with this country, including land borders, a customs union, and a common currency. Unlike San Marino, for example, it doesn't even reserve the right to print its own stamps. But crucially, Smurfland is also a member of GAWP (Global Association of the Wealthy and Powerful): a loose confederation of states, statelets, principalities, yachts big enough to have their own postal addresses, and other territories.

This was central to its success in securing the competition. GAWP is a multinational haven in which the rich and famous can live free from persecution from socialists, autograph-hunters, journalists, and other lowlifes. Membership is automatically granted to multimillionaires, former US presidents, and sporting megastars. Thus it was that George Bush Snr, Bill Clinton, and Michael Jordan could stroll freely around the K Club, surrounded by levels of luxury they would normally expect only at home.

Ireland would struggle to create this sort of sanctuary, not least because its own pesky citizens would probably bridle at the sort of security required. Imagine us trying to ban drink and mobile phones here! Still, maybe there's room for compromise on the issue.

In any case, with all the really famous politicians available, it was a nice touch by the leaders of Smurfland to let our Taoiseach present the cup on Sunday. And the organisers did us an even bigger favour at the weekend by showing us what can be achieved on this island when the two communities join together.

Yes, the Ryder Cup would still present a huge logistical challenge for Ireland. But there's a feeling that if Smurfland can do it, we can too.