Newton's Optic: The meeja say it is time for the ultimate North deal - how can the bould Dr Paisley possibly demur, asks Newton Emerson.
The possibility of a deal in the North edged closer today as this article talked the possibility up. "All the other articles have done their bit but this might be the one that gives Paisley that final push," said this article just now. "He can only ignore the overwhelming media consensus for so long."
The move follows this Tuesday's critical comment piece in the Guardian by Sinn Féin president-for-life Gerry Adams, aimed at applying pressure to the DUP leadership.
"I can think of nothing more important to Ian Paisley than the grudging endorsement of a third-rate metropolitan clique that clearly hates him," Mr Adams advised the paper's falling readership. The piece was not accompanied by a photograph.
Sinn Féin has offered the DUP a comprehensive final settlement, including a commitment to review republican attitudes on policing in return for guaranteed republican control over policing, a possible end to organised crime in exchange for the decriminalisation of certain organisations and a promise to consider some decommissioning if nobody ever finds out and everybody swears not to mention it again.
This article believes that Ian Paisley cannot possibly walk away from such a deal - because if he does, this article and all the other articles will be very angry indeed.
Dr Paisley has endured highly critical newspaper coverage throughout his 60-year political career, leading many to wonder how he soldiers on.
Despite polling the highest personal vote of any British politician for a continuous quarter century and holding absolute authority over the largest party in Northern Ireland, there can be little doubt that all Dr Paisley really wants is an approving editorial in the Belfast Telegraph.
Fortunately, as negotiations on an agreement with Sinn Féin once again reach their historic 1998 starting point, Dr Paisley is in a position to win over the media establishment that has mocked him for so long. This will involve doing exactly the same thing David Trimble did for exactly the same reason. Dr Paisley must be painfully aware that most unionist leaders only get one such opportunity.
For their part, influential media figures are aware that Dr Paisley is a life-long fundamentalist Christian who heads his own international church, theological institute and religious school system.
Because this is a bit weird, commentators agree that it can't be that important. This article is confident that when push comes to shove Dr Paisley has much the same motivations as any other politician, such as David Trimble, Brian Faulkner or Terence O'Neill.
The DUP leader will be more concerned with his place in history than his place in heaven, more certain of his mortality than of his immortality and generally more agnostic in private than he is in public, just like all the rest of them.
It is true that Dr Paisley has a manifesto commitment on decommissioning, that he won the last election specifically on this commitment and that his own voters will crucify him if he backs down. However, the idea that a politician might feel bound by his manifesto is simply too infantile for a sophisticated article like this to contemplate.
With the groundswell of media opinion now firmly backing a deal, it would be intransigent in the extreme for Ian Paisley to prove us wrong. It is clear that there can be no further movement from the republican movement although it is not clear why, when we stopped asking why, who decided this was clear or if we should drop the term "movement".
Nevertheless, this fact places the onus firmly on the DUP. Gerry Adams stabbed moderate unionism in the back. Now Ian Paisley must stab it through the heart.
This article advises you to enjoy the wordplay of the preceding analogy without worrying too much about its meaning.
The pressure on the DUP to finish the job has become intense. If the party refuses to sell out its voters it will lose the support of influential people who have never supported it. If, conversely, it sells out its supporters it will gain the support of influential people who will never vote for it.
The logic of this situation is inescapable. After humouring Sinn Féin for six years the British and Irish governments are in no mood to humour the DUP for six months. Even President Bush has phoned Dr Paisley and urged him to do a deal. However, as President Bush should not have been re-elected for precisely the same reason that Dr Paisley must do a deal, this article will end abruptly.
Newton Emerson is editor of the satirical website portadownnews.com