Women are exhausted. Not only are 71.2 per cent of women aged 15-64 working, but many with a partner and children are still doing most of the housework, cooking and looking after the kids and older relatives. There’s the emotional labour as well: the endless scheduling of kids’ pickups, drop-offs, medical appointments, school event preparation, uniform and book purchases, clothes shopping plus keeping an eye on the kids’ mental health, academic progress and physical activity.
To top it off, women mostly organise the family holidays and get-togethers, curate the social life and manage their partners’ relationships with their family. But there’s another one now too: in heterosexual relationships women are increasingly relied upon to organise their partner’s own social network and friendships, to push him into going out with male friends and to encourage him to take on new activities.
There’s a word for it too; it’s called mankeeping. The term, created by academic Angelica Puzio Ferrara of Stanford University, encapsulates many couple’s experiences and is a new buzzword online. Mankeeping is defined as the work women do to meet the social and emotional needs of the men in their lives, from supporting their partners through daily challenges and inner turmoil, to encouraging them to meet up with their friends.
Ireland has the highest prevalence of loneliness of all European countries, for both men and women
Dr Ferrara recently told The New York Times “What I have been seeing in my research is how women have been asked or expected to take on more work to be a central – if not the central – piece of a man’s social support system”. She emphasised that this power dynamic isn’t experienced by all couples.
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Debbie Ging, professor of digital media and gender at Dublin City University, says this has always existed, it’s just that now women are refusing to do it. “Men in heterosexual relationships, and especially marriages, have always leaned on their girlfriends or wives to buy gifts, arrange dinners and parties, send Christmas cards and remember birthdays. What’s new is women are finally – and rightly – refusing to take on this labour.”
Ireland has the highest prevalence of loneliness of all European countries, for both men and women. It’s considered a critical public health issue for all, but men’s loneliness has been linked to violence and suicide.
Over the past three decades, researchers have found that men’s social circles have become smaller. When structures that create ready friendships for men like school, sports clubs, work or family connections end or change, men are far less likely to reach out for new friendships than women. Some men are spending their free time gaming or online instead of meeting up in person with friends, participating in sports or meeting at the pub.
When men do spend time together, it tends to be shoulder to shoulder instead of eye to eye, according to the Irish Men’s Shed Association (ISMA), which helps men socialise with one another locally. The organisation has found that traditional ideas around masculinity can hold some men back from developing new friendships.
There’s a lot of expectations on men, to be providers, to be tough, but there’s also a fear of being vulnerable. “Men seem to find it hard because of that conditioning to cross that threshold into a new social space or friendship,” says Ben Dolan, communications officer for IMSA.
“That old set of beliefs stops men from doing certain things too. There are a whole range of activities that would be considered off limits for that generation of men – dancing, singing in choirs and other social things that women participate in very easily – in some men’s eyes they are viewed to be less manly.”
Men’s sheds activities vary depending on the needs of the group. “Some are workshops, some are based on work: woodwork, metalwork or horticulture. Others are an entirely social shed: they might have a pool table or social activities like going to the theatre together.”
This is not a crisis of masculinity, it’s a crisis of connection
— Debbie Ging, Dublin City University
Men today seem hesitant to open up about issues affecting them to anyone but their girlfriends, partners or wives. In addition to being a heavy responsibility for any partner to carry on their own, it’s not good for men’s mental health and may leave them open to exploitation.
Men seeking connection and belonging online will inevitably find themselves in the manosphere. This is an online arena that promotes toxic and rigid masculinity norms. It’s full of manfluencers who monetise men’s insecurities by blaming their difficulties on feminism and women. In this world, loneliness ends if you take power by making lots of money, having a hard body and treating women as objects or baby-makers.
These manfluencers are telling men “Don’t discuss emotions, therapy is for women and you don’t experience emotions the same as women do,” says Ging.
“There’s a fear of male intimacy. Homophobic views are causing men to find themselves isolated and unable to speak to other men about their emotions. The causes of this are the adherence to traditional masculine norms. It’s not the fault of feminism or women. This is not a crisis of masculinity, it’s a crisis of connection.”
Men’s sheds have saved lives, says Dolan. “At some point men have to be responsible for making new friendships and how we’re equipped to deal with that makes the difference. Inevitably life will force you into different potentially isolating situations – death of a partner, divorce, job change, a move, poor health – so it’s better if you learn how to develop new friendships when you’re younger and to keep doing it throughout your life”.
So, for goodness sake, men, please get out of the house and go spend some time with the lads.
Margaret E Ward is chief executive of Clear Eye, a leadership consultancy and an Irish Times contributor
