Dear stranger, please don’t touch my baby

This time of year brings with it many joys for families with young children, and quite a few challenges - not least among those is the constant round of bugs and illnesses. The HSE offered a stark reminder of this before Christmas when it issued a directive warning that Respiratory syncytial virus (RSV) was circulating at “extraordinarily high levels”, urging parents to cocoon their very young babies.

A virologist made headlines for saying the decision “smacks of panic”. Dr Gerald Barry, an assistant professor of virology at University College Dublin, said cocooning was not practical and should be a last resort, because to properly cocoon, you would have to cocoon the whole house as “anyone in theory can be carrying that virus”.

And yes, it’s hard for parents to take their merely questionably sniffly children out of creche; hard for babies to be removed from grandparents’ arms; hard for them not to be at gatherings and in crowds at this time of year, what else is there but gatherings and crowds? The directive places pressure on parents and heaps on the financial concerns too, if caregivers lose out on work.

Earlier this month, my husband and I found ourselves trying to fend off a stranger in a restaurant where we were having Sunday lunch

But does the fix need to be fail-proof to be worth it? Risk-limitation is a meaningful goal in itself, something the public realised after the early days of Covid-19, when a chorus of boos greeted the Government directive that we were to mask up and avoid circulating. RSV is potentially a serious illness – it is a common cause of bronchiolitis and pneumonia in children under the age of four, and it can be particularly dangerous to babies under the age of three months. Symptoms include coughing, wheezing, a runny nose, fever and decreased appetite. Up to 40 children a week have been admitted to intensive care due to RSV since the beginning of November. Flu is also rampaging through the community, with cases soaring in December. Parents have been advised to avoid bringing babies into large crowds or gatherings; to stay home from creche, school or work if sick; and to avoid visiting anyone with symptoms of coughs or colds.

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My suspicion is that there was a visceral dislike of the HSE advice because people just flat-out love holding babies. The sniff of a baby’s head; the nonsense goo-goo talk; the hugs, the squeezes, and the sense of calm that comes when a warm, soft baby is nestled in your arms: babies are a serotonin boost, and a baby around this time of year brings a particular joy to families.

As the mother of a one-year-old, I’ve been lucky: our friends, neighbours and family members have been deeply respectful of our choices. Our baby was born in November 2022, which meant that when RSV soared last year, he was in the most vulnerable age category – under three months old. Our relatives sanitised their hands when they came into the house and wore masks when they briefly held him for a picture. No one came near us if they had so much as a tickle in their throat. All of this was an enormous relief, particularly knowing what I know now.

People can be very good at telling stressed, exhausted new mothers what to do with their babies, and they’re not always so great at policing their own behaviours. “He needs to be fed, love!” “Take him inside; his arms are too pale to be out!” Both of these sentences were said to me this year by strangers who thundered up in public with their loud, unwarranted and unwanted opinions, sure and certain, with their one-second-long glance, that they had the measure of exactly how to care for our child.

Earlier this month, my husband and I found ourselves trying to fend off a stranger in a restaurant where we were having Sunday lunch. A tall, broad-shouldered man arrived at our table and stroked our baby’s cheek before we had time to realise what was happening. “I had forgotten how soft a baby’s skin is,” he announced, by way of introducing himself.

[ Children’s hospital ‘swamped’ by record surge in respiratory cases ]

Most parents have versions of this story. A friend shudders as she recalls how, when her daughter was born, a neighbour called over and stuck her finger into the newborn’s mouth. Online, there are whole forums for parents dedicated to figuring out how you can politely ask a person to remove their mitts from your newborn. Parents worry about being perceived as hysterical or over-protective.

No one wants to be rude, but it should be possible to accept that when children are very young, or at certain times of year when dangerous viruses are circulating, it should be a case of hands-off – at least if you’re in a household where someone has a cough or a cold. If Covid has taught us anything, it’s that a new system of manners and etiquette is necessary if we want to protect ourselves and our loved ones.

Nadine O’Regan is a journalist