“French wine growers fear that this year’s vintage may be entirely spoiled due to the grape treaders’ sit-in.”
“A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston by-pass. Motorists are asked to be on the look-out for 16 hardened criminals.”
“We will be talking to an out of work contortionist who says he can no longer make ends meet.”
“All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my right hand.”
“This is a message for seven honeymoon couples in a hotel in Peebles: Breakfast was served three days ago.”
“A man was marooned on a desert island. One day a beautiful woman arrives in a wet suit. ‘When did you last have a smoke?’ she asks. ‘Five years ago.‘ So she gets out a cigar and he smokes it. She unzips her wet suit a bit and says, ‘When did you last have a drink?’ He said, ‘Five years ago.‘ So she gets out a bottle of Scotch and he has a drink. Then she unzips her wet suit a bit more and says, ‘And when was the last time you played around?’ He looks at her in amazement and says: ‘You’re not telling me you’ve got a set of golf clubs in there?”’
“It was revealed in a government survey published today that the Prime Minister is doing the work of two men, Laurel and Hardy.”
“There was a fire at the main Inland Revenue office in London today, but it was put out before any serious good was done.”
“West Mercia police announced tonight that they wish to interview a man wearing high heels and frilly knickers, but the Chief Constable said they must wear their normal uniforms.”
“We’ll be talking to a car designer who’s crossed a Toyota with Quasimodo and come up with the Hatchback of Notre Dame.”
"After a series of crimes in the Glasgow area, Chief Inspector McTavish has announced that he is looking for a man with one eye. If he doesn't find him, he's going to use both eyes."
“A juggernaut of onions has shed its load all over the M1. Motorists are advised to find a hard shoulder to cry on.”
“We’ve just heard that in the English Channel, a ship carrying red paint has collided with a ship carrying purple paint. It is believed that both crews have been marooned.”
“If I wear too much tartan I tend to look like a Thermos flask.”