In honour of Mother's Day, ALANNA GALLAGHERasked a group of marketing executives to help her put together a job advertisement for motherhood. Any takers for a job that doesn't pay?
Who'd be a mother? The advertising angle . . . Fed up obsessing about yourself? If so, and you're also: Ambitious Caring Not motivated by money Disciplined A good referee Like cooking . . . . . . and cleaning Enjoy teaching Have nursing skills Have management experience Then why not consider motherhood?* (Permanent positions for the right candidate) *Salary: none
WANTED: WOMEN for hazardous one-way journey, energetic and enthusiastic, GSOH, constant worry, a lifetime of commitment. Love reciprocated at least once a year on Mother's Day.
Who'd be a mother? The hours are long and the pay is negligible. It may be a job for life but it doesn't even come with pension provision. If being a mother is the best job in the world, how would you go about advertising it, selling it to the uninitiated, and this Sunday's chocolate-giving kids?
You'd have to be honest and tell the truth - warts, runny noses, smelly bottoms and all - is the advice of Pearse McCaughey, group creative director at advertising agency Cawley Nea. It's about keeping it real.
He cites a UK police service campaign that showed the sharp end of the job, the nasty situations, all grittily photographed. The campaign, he says, was one of their more successful in terms of new recruits. Freelance creative consultant Nick Kelly agrees in principal. When advertising the "job" of motherhood, he believes we should remember the small ad Athy-born Antarctic explorer Ernest Shackleton is said to have placed in the London Times when recruiting men to follow him to the South Pole:
"Men wanted for hazardous journey; small wages, bitter cold, long months of complete darkness, constant danger, safe return doubtful. Honour and recognition in case of success."
It elicited thousands of responses, says Kelly.
"Motherhood is like that heroic age of Antarctic exploration; it is a heroic expedition that, despite their better judgment, people embark on all the time."
And a lot of the time it is completely thankless, adds Dan Retter, copy writer at Cawley Nea. "It's about wiping bottoms, chauffeuring the kids from A to B and cooking endlessly. It's a 20-year contract with no pay, no benefits and no holidays."
Considering the pay scale and conditions on offer, no one in their right mind would apply, admits Kelly.
"While money may be one of the reasons you apply for a job, meaning is what galvanises you," he explains. "What motherhood offers is meaning."
Retter sees the experience as "150 careers, 1 mammy'. Every mother becomes a multitasker; agony aunt, chef, detective, psychologist, nurse, referee and teacher, all rolled into one.
To sell it, you have to highlight all the good bits - the reward and love - but that side of the "job" is already very well illustrated, according to freelance advertising copywriter and mother of one Senta Rich.
"Very few people will tell you that it might test your own limits. If motherhood was a job, I don't think anyone would want it, even in a recession."
Motherhood is about having to be a grown-up every day of your life, Rich continues. For a lot of people in their 30s and 40s, that is what most takes them by surprise. She suggests: "Fed up obsessing about yourself? Become a mother and think about someone else for the next 20 years."
She's right. Most mothers don't have time to sit around smiling beatifically, contemplating their next Renaissance-style "Madonna and child" composition. Most of us are too busy muttering how unrespected we are. And nagging - please make it stop. Why do I have to be the one eliciting all the discipline and manners?
IT IS ONLY now that I have a two-year-old of my own that I finally understand why my mother used to go ballistic when we forgot Mother's Day. As a selfish teen, I really couldn't see what all the fuss was about. This year I sent my mother a teary card saying I finally appreciated her and everything she's done for me.
Then there's the internal politics, defining what kind of mother you are; are you a working mom or a stay-at-home mammy.
Whichever side of the fence you sit on, don't subscribe to the martyrdom of motherhood. Motherhood is a lifestyle choice. Anyone embracing the idea should go for it, but it is much tougher than you can imagine and the experience varies sooooo much from mother to mother. Money and support play guardianship roles in how the experience will be for you. Just don't expect to ever call another minute of your time your own.
You will be followed to the toilet and asked what you're doing; your best home-cooked attempts will be treated with a guttural yeuch and flung on to the kitchen floor and your relationship with your partner will become a boxing ring.
You let yourself go. You age 10 years in two, become permanently cranky, sideline your fancy lingerie drawer and live in jeans and tracksuits.
But this isn't the entire picture. There are the tiny moments of hilarity, the awe and wonder and genuine sense of unbridled fun that has you swearing you will revisit those Kegel exercises.
And when your pelvic floor regains composure, remember this. "Advertising always says this product or service will change your life," admits advertising consultant Gai Griffin. "Motherhood is the only experience that really will change your life."