After a relationship breaks up, the effect on the children's grandparents can be devastating, writes Anne Dempsey
The grandparents who brought their grandson home to Cobh because they believe he was unhappy with his mother in Chicago, focuses attention again on family ties, conflicting rights and responsibilities. The Cork couple are unusual in that their daughter's child is the subject of this tug of love, rather than the more typical situation where the foundering of a son's relationship can mean his parents losing contact with their grandchildren.
It was to highlight this trauma that Grand Parents Obliterated was founded in 1995 at a time when grandparents had no rights. If a bitter split led to them being airbrushed out of a child's life, they had no rights to access - even if they had previously been the childminders, as is often the case in dual-career Ireland. Under the Children Act 1997, the right to apply for access to a grandchild (for up to six hours per week) was granted. But as the story of one grandmother, Jane (not her real name), illustrates, all is far from plain sailing still.
Jane was initially shocked when she learnt she was to become a grandmother. "My son and his girlfriend were only 18, but they were in a steady relationship. She lived with us for a lot of her pregnancy, I bought the pram, knitted cardigans, took her to the hospital when she was in labour and saw my grandson when he was just a few hours old. I will never forget that moment. There was an immediate bond. She returned to us for some weeks after he was born, so I remained very involved."
For the next 18 months Jane was a very hands-on granny. Then the young parents' relationship began to unravel, and contact became capricious.
"I presume they were trying to punish me through my son. It was heartbreaking. On my grandson's second birthday, I was given an hour's visit. He knew who I was, he didn't make strange, he hadn't forgotten me. This eased things and I would be allowed take him for a walk, sometimes more. I got as much or as little as they said."
Gradually, Jane was asked to take care of the toddler more often but only under certain conditions. "I could not take him home when my son was there, I could not mention my son, his father, it was as if he didn't exist. It was very difficult, I did it so as not to jeopardise anything."
Early last year a family disagreement led to contact being terminated. Shocked and bereft, Jane applied to the district court for access, an application vigorously contested by the other family's solicitor who made allegations regarding her fitness as a grandmother. Jane was granted supervised access once a week away from home.
"The first time I saw him again he hugged and hugged me and wouldn't let go. But the supervision aspect hurt terribly, it almost made me doubt myself even though I knew the allegations were false. He wanted to come home with me, I told him I was getting the house painted, and each week he would ask: 'Is the paint dry'?"
A review subsequently led to unsupervised access one afternoon a week. "He ran in to his box of toys, took each thing out saying 'that's mine', reclaiming everything, then rushed over and touched the wall to make sure it was dry!" Everything went well until contact was unaccountably severed again this spring.
"I have now applied for a court order allowing me to see him as a right, rather than just an agreement. I'm waiting for the case to come up, and I hope he's not forgetting me.
"Loving my grandchild gave me a new lease of life. You have so much more time, patience, a special bond. I can see a bit of me in him . . . He is the child of my child, the next generation, part of our heritage. My son is in a new relationship and has a small baby. This new grandchild is very precious to me, but nobody will take my grandson's place in my life and I hope we will see each other again."
Grand Parents Obliterated now works with both Parental Equality and Unmarried and Separated Fathers of Ireland (USFI), which run groups for fathers and grandparents, support court applications for access and generally offer a shoulder to cry on.
"There are thousands of grandparents in Jane's position, and only a fraction bring a case to court because they don't feel able for it, or can't afford it. Hiring a solicitor will cost up to €30,000, representing yourself will cost just your bus fare and we are campaigning for hearings without legal representation, allowing each family to speak up for themselves," says Ray Kelly, founder of USFI. "Grandparents come to us bereaved, excluded, wounded, a grandmother will say 'why is another woman doing this to me?' They are deprived of their family, it's like a death.
"But what we really should be talking about is a child's right to grandparents. My grandmother died at 102 and what I miss is her love: she baked, she made soup, there was fun and laughter. You can ask your grandparents about the olden days, about when they were young, about your Uncle Jack. Many grandparents give children a love and stability that is priceless."
Unmarried and Separated Fathers of Ireland: telephone 01-4514295
Parental Equality: telephone 042-9333163 www.parentalequality.ie