Views of preacher upset powers that be

The preacher Jesus was at the centre of further controversy this week following publication of the bi-monthly Cool Press music magazine on Thursday. He featured as guest in its Mad Chatter Box spot, a generally light-hearted series of off-beat questions and answers, usually involving well-known people.

Jesus' replies annoyed the authorities, both civil and religious. A spokesman for the High Priest Dr Caiaphas said "this frothy nonsense is a true indication of the mind of this so-called preacher. He's a joke."

A spokesman for King Herod said the replies were "not worthy of response" while Governor Pilate's office said "it's just a bit of fun after all."

Below we publish the Jesus Mad Chatter column in full.

1. Who would be the last person you would invite to your birthday party? Dr Caiaphas (he might make it my last).

2. Who would be the first per- son you would invite to your birthday party? Lazarus. He's good fun. He could organise it, too. And he owes me.

3. Favourite saying? ". . . for the love of God."

4. Favourite book? Genesis. It makes me feel nostalgic.

5. Favourite author? King David. I just love those psalms. "The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want,/ He makes me lie down in green pastures,/he leads me beside quiet waters,/he restores my soul . . ." Beautiful . . .

6. Favourite actor/actress? Judas Iscariot. There's a bit of 'oul Nick about him. He's truly gifted and has yet to be found out by the others.

7. Most embarrassing moment? At that wedding in Cana. When my mother asked me to organise more wine . . . in front of everyone . . . I had never done anything like that before. Luckily it worked out alright.

8. Favourite food drink? A good wine. You can't beat it.

9. Most desirable date? Easter Sunday.

10. Favourite method of relaxation? Having women pour perfume over my feet and then dry them with their hair. Out of this world . . .

11. If you weren't pursuing your present career, what other might you have chosen? Running a vineyard probably.

12. Biggest thrill? I was 12. With the priests in the Temple. I had them thoroughly confused.

13. Biggest disappointment? Judas.

14. Your concept of heaven? Many mansions.

15. Your concept of hell? Must be seen to be believed.

16. Greatest ambition? To make it through to Easter Sunday without caving in.

17. Period of history you'd most like to have lived in, and why? In the early days of the Garden of Eden. Everything was so much easier then. It's tougher than that now.

18. If you weren't a human being, which animal would you have chosen to be? Certainly not a serpent. A lamb probably.

19. If you were told that the world was ending tomorrow morning how would you react, what would you do? I'd be very surprised. Then I'd have a word with my father.

20. Your nominee for the world's best dressed person? Solomon, in all his glory.

22. Favourite term of abuse? Get behind me, Satan!

23. Biggest fear? Crucifixion. Dying slowly on a cross, could anything be worse? It sends shivers down my spine.

24. Humanity's most useful invention? Wine.

25. Humanity's most useless invention. High Priests, kings . . . authorities generally.

26. What would be your dying words? "It's over".

It has not been possible to contact Jesus for clarification as to what he meant by "Easter" Sunday or his comments on his friend Judas Iscariot.

It has been known for some time that there have been serious strains between the two, but commentators now say a split is inevitable. Speculation has centred on whether any others of Jesus' core group of 12 will leave also.

It has been clear for sometime that John is disillusioned at not being made Jesus' deputy, a position now held by Peter. But it is thought unlikely John would leave.

To emphasise this, attention has been drawn to his recent practice of describing himself in the third person as "the beloved disciple" (of Jesus).