THE Conservative conference quickly dispensed with the thorny question of mad cows yesterday before settling back to a cheering debate on "the Union".
From the pre-published platform arrangements, it was plainly going to be a curious affair. Lady Thatcher was in place to smile upon Mr Michael Forsyth and Mr William Hague, born again Thatcherites both, before Mr John Major made them respectively Secretaries of State, for Scotland and for Wales.
But where was the other Secretary of State? Which Union were they discussing? With "British dissolution" threatened by a Blair government, the list of reply speakers was surely incompletes Sir Patrick Mayhew, the Northern Ireland Secretary, wasn't there understandably in the present grave circumstances. But the Minister of State, Mr Michael Ancram, was in his place on the opposite end of the platform, along with big wigs from the National Union, listening.
It wasn't until the third speech from Mr Stuart Andrew from Wrexham that the conference was reminded this was still a union of four parts. Attacking Labour's refusal to organise in the North he declared in Blairite style. "The Union is a covenant which should not be qualified."
And the North was embodied in the "debate" (everybody was on the same side, actually) by Ian Donaldson from East Belfast. But the confusion and doubt persisted, even through the flag waving performance of Mr Forsythe.
The Scottish Secretary has made hay with Labour's devolution proposals. And Mr Blair's recent U-turns (or policy refinements) hadn't diminished his belief that New Labour was prepared "to risk the dismemberment of the United Kingdom".
There was no such thing as Scottish devolution, he declared. "There is only British dissolution. This is not a Scottish or Welsh issue it is a United issue." But what was this United Kingdom? Mr Forsythe told them gravely. "God has smiled on this island. No aggressive neighbour disputes our boundaries the sea is our timeless frontier. Although our liberty has been threatened twice this century, the fortitude of our peoples Scots, English, Welsh and Ulstermen secured for us our way of life."
The speed with which the "Ulstermen" were omitted and re-integrated was truly bewildering. To the sceptical observer it seemed proof enough that when the Conservative Party gets excited about "the Union", it seldom has Northern Ireland in mind. But there was no doubting the depth of this conference's antipathy to Labour's plans for constitutional reform or the ability of Mr Forsyth and Mr Hague to make it an effective part of an election onslaught.
Mr Forsyth probably secured the lion's share of the headlines with a neat little stunt with a Union Flag stripped of the St Andrew's Cross. He held the result before him "an anaemic red asterisk". What could they do with this, he asked. "John Prescott could use his crayons to colour in the white bits and resurrect the flag of Old Labour.
"But Tony Blair prefers New Labour with biological action. New Labour kills all known principles. Bleach out the red stripes and you have the flag of New Labour. White for surrender. Ready to be hoisted in Brussels at the first opportunity."
But it was the young Mr Hague who made the most effective contribution. Labour's devolution plans were a breakfast to which no self respecting dog would its name". It was now Labour policy "to have a tax raising parliament in Scotland after a referendum with two questions, an assembly in Wales after a referendum with one question, and any number of indeterminate regional bodies in England if anyone can think of a question.
Mr Hague had put the questions to Mr Blair, and was still awaiting a reply. How much would the Welsh assembly cost? He made it £52 million in the first year. What did Mr Blair think? He'd even offered to publish the reply, if that was helpful.
"He could have sent around Peter Mandelson (spin doctor supreme) under the cover of darkness. He could have sent around John Prescott, to get me really confused. He could have sent around Clare Short, to blurt out the truth at the last minute."
Here, in the pressing of the Welsh and West Lothian questions alone, was the reminder that if the Tories could get their act together Mr Major and Dr Mawhinney have the makings of a campaign against New Labour. There could only be one eventual resolution of the intolerable tensions inherent in Labour's scheme the departure of Scotland from the United Kingdom," warned Mr Forsyth.
And if he and Mr Hague ever find themselves short of the biting barb, they could enlist the talents of Mr Struan Stevenson from Dumfries. He tickled the conference fancy with his own withering put down of Labour's refined Scottish plan "Michael Forsyth has scared the Scottish Labour Party out of their kilts. He lifted their sporrans and found well, not very much."