Time to dial 999 as heated exchanges up election ante

Dáil Sketch
Enda Kenny, suffering from a bout of severe indignation, looked on the verge of a nervous collapse.

Bertie Ahern began exhibiting violent mood swings. One minute, all was sweetness and light. The next, he admitted stalking the Fine Gael leader. Then he attacked Pat Rabbitte.

Pat Rabbitte seemed normal enough until he swallowed the thesaurus and nearly choked.

Caoimhghín Ó Caoláin, just back after undergoing heart surgery, tried to stay calm. The Taoiseach accused him of wanting to protect the interests of hospital consultants. Caoimhghín lost the power of speech. A fight broke out. The Ceann Comhairle, and him a medical doctor, tried to impose some order on the situation.

The noise was terrible.

Everything is marvellous, insensitive Bertie assured Enda, who was distraught and pleading for the women of Ireland who cannot be at peace until they are off their trolleys (and in a proper hospital bed). One woman had written to him from her trolley in Mayo general. Deputy Kenny listed all the hospitals he had visited around the country, and all the terrible things he heard.

Not according to the statistics, countered the Taoiseach, reeling off another batch.

"And a partridge in a pear tree," drawled Labour's Ruairí Quinn, contributing to the general air of distraction.

Bertie was in his happy phase. He could quote letters from "very satisfied people". Maybe Enda did his visits "on bad days", because Bertie's been to the same hospitals and heard only good news. "We've been tracking each other." Deputy Kenny accused him of living in fantasy land.

The Taoiseach's mood began to turn. "I understand what your agenda is," he muttered.

Once more, he highlighted his Government's achievements, including "a hundred thousand public equipments". In fact, of the million people who were in Irish hospitals last year, "the vast majority of them are happy with their service".

This was too much for Monaghan's Independent deputy, Paudge Connolly, sitting in the back row and nursing a bad case of early-onset election fever. He jumped to his feet, roaring about Drogheda hospital.

Pat Rabbitte rose and burst into his favourite refrain: "Co-location once again."

What's the story with the Government's plan to allow developers build private hospitals on land owned by the taxpayer? The Taoiseach waffled. Pat couldn't believe what he was hearing from a man who claims to be a socialist Taoiseach.

And with that, he swallowed the thesaurus.

"You have been evading, avoiding, dodging, obfuscating, twisting and distancing, dodging and diving."

Bertie exhorted him to listen. "I know the deputy appears stupid at times, but he cannot be that stupid." He explained the tenders would be out shortly.

"For what?" demanded Pat. "What de ye tink?" bellowed Bertie, hand on hip, the picture of a man shaping up for a fight.

"He's a bit thick" said Minister Dermot Ahern, as his leader got more thick by the minute.

"You're right, I do take the socialist view," goaded comrade Bertie.

"Karl Marx would love you" dripped Emmet Stagg.

"The Marx Brothers, more like," said Finian McGrath.

Sinn Féin's Caoimhghín Ó Caoláin got stuck in next. How could the Taoiseach even consider signing binding contracts on the sale of public lands, when the policy never appeared in his manifesto or programme for government? Bertie held the line. The entire Opposition is against you, boomed Caoimhghín, undergoing a difficult convalescence. Labour backed him up.

"I know what you're up to," said the Taoiseach to Labour. And the roaring started again.

It like a casualty department on Saturday night.

Nothing for it but to dial 999 and hold on until the election arrives.