REMEMBER Dallas?
J.R. Ewing, Sue Ellen, Bobby and all that crowd? At the height of the soap opera's fame the big story and question was, who shot J.R.? The Northern gag at the time was matteradamn who shot him, the Provos will get the blame anyway.
There was a variation of that at the Ulster Unionist Party conference in the Galgorm Manor Hotel, just outside Ballymena, on Saturday. One delegate rhetorically wondered what caused the BSE crisis. And his answer? Correct - matteradamn what caused it, Drumcree will get the blame anyway.
Drumcree Is obviously still an embarrassment. Delegate after delegate - whether debating the parades issue, or boycotting, or even the beef industry - raised - the matter. Not to give it a further airing, but to tell each other how heartily "sick and tired" they were of the subject.
Party conferences by their nature are not a time for self criticism. Which explains why delegates blamed the disturbances during and after Drumcree on the RUC, the Maryfield Secretariat, "Sinn Fein/IRA", the British government, liberal "dogooders" and the "media".
There was no reflection on the possibility that the stance of the Orange Order and unionist politicians just might have contributed even a little to the whole sorry business. "If the media would stop hyping things, it would be much easier," observed the Orange Order Grand Master the Rev Martin Smyth.
Somewhat exasperated with all the bad publicity, Mr Smyth complained that loyalist marchers were getting a very raw deal. He worried about a Portadown bandsman who was prosecuted by the RUC for "provocative drumming".
"How can you provocatively, drum in this age of heavy metal?" Mr Smyth asked.
Nationalists "who went out of their way to be annoyed" by Orange parades were also the target of some speakers. In the North you can collect air miles with your petrol, and this prompted David Brewster to comment on Gerard Rice of the Lower Ormeau Road concerned residents who has attended various nationalist demonstrations against Orange parades this summer.
"He has gone 75 miles to be offended in Londonderry, 45 miles to be offended in Dunloy, 40 miles to be offended in Bellaghy, and 30 miles to be offended in Newry. I hear he has gathered enough air miles to be offended at the Orange parade in Canada next summer," said Mr Brewster.
Another speaker, Mr Esmond Birnie, during the debate on boycotting observed that David Trimble and all the luminaries at the top table were drinking Ballygowan water, no less.
The surprising feature of Saturday was that the most relaxed looking politician in the Galgorm Manor Hotel was a man one would have imagined to be under most pressure. Cecil Walker, whom some of the UUP young, Turks in North Belfast are trying to shaft as sitting MP, roamed around the conference centre like a politician at peace with the world.
His strategic pre emptive threat to stand as an independent unionist, possibly handing the seat to a nationalist, seems to have rocked the unionist leadership to its senses. Cecil, one of the old guard, had the air of a man who after all will be returning to Westminster as an official UUP candidate.