ARE THEY the daughters in law from hell? As Queen Elizabeth scours this week's headlines, she must yet again rue the day when she allowed "Shy Di" and Fergie, that "breath of fresh air," to enter the royal fold, all those happy years ago.
If this month is anything to go by, it looks like another annus horribilis for Queen Elizabeth, and it can surely only get worse. The Charles and Di show will go on and on, even after every minute detail of the eventual divorce settlement has been digested by Fleet Street's finest.
And the Duchess of York's divorce from Andrew (allegedly described by his wife as "a darling, but a boring darling"), now also seems inevitable some time this year.
The queen, determined that the monarchy is not going to self destruct, does not want to be forced to even consider bailing Fergie out after yet another one of her worldwide shopping binges or £3,000 champagne "thank you" parties for her builders.
I doubt there is a mother in the world who is having more trouble with her daughters in law. Weeks after ordering her eldest son to divorce the Princess of Wales, the queen had to deal with her second son's marital problems, bluntly refusing to settle the Duchess of York's rumoured £3 million overdraft.
But it appears the queen had an inkling of the trouble ahead, if only she had trusted her royal instincts. According to Sarah Bradford's biography of her, serialised in the Times and to be published next week, the queen has never really liked Princess Diana, dismissing her as a lightweight who for some unconceivable reason preferred pop music and gyms to corgis and shooting.
Although Fergie, the country girl with a past, was initially welcomed (at least she could ride a horse), what strained the royal tolerance was her extravagance and vulgarity.
As Lord Charteris, the queen's former private secretary, said "Sarah Ferguson is a vulgarian ... vulgar, vulgar, vulgar.
Yet the position of both women still remains untenable. They are the mothers of the queen's grandchildren and simply cannot disappear, much to Buckingham Palace's annoyance. However, their status can be tarnished, even without being stripped of their titles, as this week's headlines prove.
Pity the Princess of Vales. All she wants, according to her Panorama interview, is to be the "Queen of Hearts," and yet her charms have notably failed to impress her staff and in particular her sons nanny, Ms Alexandra "Tiggy" Legge Bourke.
Her whispered seven word remark to Ms Legge Bourke, said to have reduced the royal nanny to tears, has been denounced as a lie and may yet come to be one of the princess's biggest regrets. For it not only reveals that the "Queen of Hearts" can be as bitchy and catty as the rest of us, but may result in a potentially explosive legal dispute.
So far Ms Legge Bourke's demands for an apology for the remark, made at a Christmas gathering, and a veiled threat to sue have been brushed off. But, according to some royal watchers, the queen was "so incensed" by the comment that she promptly ordered her son to divorce the princess.
As the tabloid headlines continue to be dominated by the "night of the long knives," the princess's private secretary, chauffeur and assistant, all suddenly chose to resign this week, citing her erratic behaviour, moods and jealousy for their decision. To misquote Oscar Wilde, for the princess to lose one of her "trusted" staff looks like misfortune, but to lose three is not only careless, but "very stupid" according to royal watchers.
Even the princess's loyal confidant, the Daily Mails Richard Kay, appeared to be unsympathetic to her plight. After describing her feelings of "hurt and bleeding" by being "abandoned" by her staff, he denounces the "seven words that made Tiggy weep."
"It is important to emphasise that within Buckingham Palace this attitude among these `enemies' as Diana calls them is not contrived but genuinely felt. And she, it must be said, is perceived to have played right into their hands by saying to Tiggy something that was not merely cutting, but cruel," he added.
As for Fergie, well what more can be said? The red bills continue to land on her doorstep. British Airways' demand for £25,000 and a £4,000 restaurant bill are simply the latest.
After last weekend's trip to New York in search of a financial rescue package, the Duchess of York confidently declared "I want you to know my mother in law supports me fully. There is no reason on earth I'd be dragging my children all over the place unless I had the full support of my mother in law and the projects I was engaged in were worthwhile."
Until Buckingham Palace learns exactly how to accommodate the needs of these wayward daughters in law, the royal soap opera will continue unabated.