You’re barking up the wrong tree, Varadkar tells SF’s new dog

Mary Lou was in great form on Thursday. Apparently she has a lovely new poodle called Micheál. Although he’s really owned by Sinn Féin. They’re thrilled with him altogether.

He’s one of those Fianna Fáilers – not so much a popular as a populist breed of pooch. Unpredictable but loveable creatures, they’ll do anything for a sniff at a vote. The Fianna Fáilers latched onto the Shinners before the last election and it seems they are hanging in for the long haul. Perhaps not the wisest move for them, but they’ve made it now.

The FFers are driven by a kind of political cupboard love – they want to get their paws on the Sinn Féin vote in Dublin and their chops firmly around any tasty support dribbling away from them in the direction of Mary Lou McDonald and her comrades.

They’ll perform any sort of trick in return, including standing on their head over water charges. (Even if, as seething members of Fine Gael insist, that trick is played out on them.)

Fennelly analysis: Report notes ignorance of recording system

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Simon Coveney accused of issuing threat to water committee

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So, why is everyone talking about water charges again?

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The way things are at the moment the Shinners, with those alert FFers shadowing their every move, could conquer Crufts with a decent heel-to-music routine.

If the members of Sinn Féin were happy on Thursday, the members of the PBP-AAA Solidarity group were ecstatic. Paul Murphy, in particular, was positively en fete. He’ll be dancing his way through Dublin to celebrate the Left’s “total victory” at the Right2Water group’s big anti-water charges rally in the city on Saturday.

Murphy is seen as the reason why Fianna Fáil – a party which once championed the introduction of charges – is suddenly lolloping alongside Sinn Féin with its tongue hanging out.

And the TD for Dublin South West is also credited with forcing Sinn Féin to undergo a remarkably successful course of conversion therapy which resulted in the party reversing its policy on water charges and then wiping the U-turn from its collective memory.

Heave-ho

All this led to Fine Gael, staunchly in favour of charging for domestic water services, having to soften its line considerably on the issue in order to keep flippy-floppy Fianna Fáil onside and still lending the Government its critical minority support.

So, unlike Mary Lou (standing in for Gerry Adams) and pleased-as-punch Paul, Fine Gael wasn’t in the best of spirits when the Dáil opened for business at midday.

Their proposals on paying for normal domestic water usage through general taxation while billing water wasters for their excesses had been thrown out by the Oireachtas water charges committee. Their suggestion that meters be included as part of new house builds was also given the heave-ho.

Instead, the 20-strong committee – with the Fianna Fáil five in full accord with Sinn Féin and the rest while Fine Gael’s six frothed at the mouth in the background – recommended the total abolition of water charges, the scrapping of domestic meters, full refunds all round, San Pellegrino fountains for all the footless children of Ireland and free waterbeds from Mattress Mick for everyone.

Europe will never wear it, protested Fine Gael. Oh, yes they will, chorused Paul Murphy and Mary Lou. “Woof Woof!” added Fianna Fáil, as Barry Cowen cocked its leg against Simon Coveney’s trousers. Yet again.

Lawyers were summoned. First one. Then another. The FG members had to phone Tokyo to get an opinion from their first Rumpole. But they didn’t care for his advice. So on Thursday, they put out an APB for another.

In the meantime, the debate landed on the floor of the Dáil for Leaders’ Questions. No sign of Enda, for he was in Germany schmoozing Angela Merkel in the national interest.

So we had a gathering crisis over the imposition of water charges. This time with the main Government party threatening not to support measures endorsed by the main Opposition party and the cock-a-hoop Right2Water contingent. Fianna Fáil muttering that it mightn’t be able to continue its grown-up support of the Government if Fine Gael don’t accept the committee’s considerations and the Government spokespeople howling that the FFers stitched them up.

And not a Taoiseach in the House to take control. Actually, that’s not exactly true. Bertie Ahern was across the way in the Upper House, giving a handful of Senators the benefit of his considerable wisdom in matters of European negotiations and the Brexit question.

They could have done worse than call him in to mediate. But it wasn’t to be. Leo Varadkar was in charge.

His FG troops looked glum, and even glummer when Mary Lou rose and commenced crowing over the great “massive and deserved” victory for the people of Ireland and Sinn Féin in the water conflict.

Simon Coveney, the Minister for Treading Water and possible next leader of Fine Gael, sat next to Varadkar, his main rival for the job. He looked very serious.

Paul Murphy, across the chamber, looked like he was going to spontaneously combust. With joy.

But Fianna Fáil’s TDs, who would normally have been smirking uncontrollably over getting one over on Fine Gael, looked rather peaky.

Maybe it was the way the Shinners were looking over at them that was putting them off, like they were going to waft some biscuits in their direction and ask for the paw.

“On one level, it is touching to see such solidarity between the two Ministers, all things considered” dripped Mary Lou, witheringly. The two home-alone leadership hopefuls smiled at each other.

Varadkar wasn’t saying whether his party would be legislating for the Committee’s recommendations, or whether they were legally sound. That’s for another day. A slight shadow of concern crossed Murphy’s smiling face. But he was soon back in celebratory mode.

“Minister, read the writing on the wall. It’s over. It’s lost. The sinister fringe have won. It’s over. Give it up. Scrap the charges.”

Shocked

Leo cut loose. He congratulated Murphy on his “enormous success” and on the role he played in reducing Fianna Fáil to what it is now.

“The party of Lemass, the party that was once proud to stand up for things, that would do the right thing for the Irish people is now in a position that it determines its position on water solely out of their fear of you, and Sinn Féin.”

The rest of the opposition sat back and enjoyed the show. Fianna Fáil’s troops looked rather shocked.

Fianna Fáil made the original proposal to introduce the charges, said the Minister, but has now changed its tune. “They are terrified of Sinn Féin and the Left and it’s sad to see.”

They raised a feeble protest and began to heckle. Varadkar, rapidly rising up the rankings in his own party’s leadership stakes, was calm but clinical. The backbenchers beamed at him.”

He told Murphy his “total victory” meant “the same people who pay for everything will have it pay for it again. It’s not a victory, it’s a bad policy.”

“Disgraceful,” said Mary Lou.

A voice from the Sinn Féin ranks cried, “You’re drowning in your own rhetoric.”

Nevertheless, Varadkar’s fellow Fine Gaelers nearly chaired him from the chamber.

The parties may reach some sort of agreement next week. But it’s doesn’t look like the FF/FG centre will hold much longer.

We’ve seen more somersaults, twists and reverse flips over water then they had in the Rio Olympics.