Not a word let slip about Bord Snip, but pain delayed is only pain anticipated

DÁIL SKETCH:AND STILL we await word from Grandmaster Snip. He's in the wings, gloved up and ready to rumble, but the Government is worried about letting him loose on the public.

There was an air of anticipation around Leinster House. It was strongly rumoured that An Bord Snip Nua, after months of investigation, was ready to present its recommendations.

All agreed that the outcome will not be pretty. At this stage, even the dogs in the street know that the savage reductions are on the cards. At least the running order for the impending slashathon was known. Grandmaster Snip, aka economist Colm McCarthy, would be reporting first to the Minister for Finance, who would then pull on a tin helmet and brief the Government.

After that, it would be a case of checking the lifeboats and choosing the right moment to break the news to the people. Or not, as the case may be. Brian Cowen wasn’t giving anything away. But the expected never happened yesterday. The Taoiseach told the Dáil that Grandmaster Snip’s report hadn’t come to Cabinet yet. The Minister didn’t have it either.

Maybe Bran Lenihan didn’t have a hard copy of the finished document on his desk, but judging by his worried expression, he has a fair idea of what’s coming down the tracks.

Biffo was asked about the state of play. “It should be with the Minister, probably, by next week,” he airily replied. “A lot has been very much completed, I understand, and finished.” But don’t hold him to that.

There was quite a line-up of heavyweight Ministers in the chamber for the Order of Business. The Taoiseach, the Tánaiste, Brian Lenihan, Noel Dempsey, Mary Hanafin and Martin Cullen.

Brian L and Noel whispered to each other while Biffo stonewalled. Lenihan whispered to Noel, his hand over his mouth; Noel whispered back, also taking care to cover his mouth. God, but they looked very unhappy.

Micheál Martin arrived in. He leaned towards the other two, brow furrowed. More urgent whispering.

Labour’s Eamon Gilmore tried to get some information on the Bord Snip Nua report. The leaking from Government about it had already begun, he pointed out.

The Taoiseach couldn’t help him.

Joan Burton tried. Does the Taoiseach propose to publish the famous document when he gets his hands on it? With best will in the world, Biffo was unable to assist. His hands are tied until they see the report, and only then will the Government be able to make a decision on publishing it.

“But you might be minded [to publish],” ventured Joan. Full marks for trying.

“When we see it, we’ll se what way we’ll deal with it,” came the reply.

“But you’re briefing the Sunday newspapers,” protested Fine Gael’s Sean Barret, to no avail.

Biffo was saying nothing.

The mood of despair was heightened by Labour’s Róisín Shortall. “Have you heard anything from Minister Barry Andrews? I believe he’s in Vietnam.” (Maybe Barry knows what’s in the report.) As the matter stands, the Taoiseach doesn’t anticipate that swingeing cuts recommended by Grandmaster Slash “will be debated in the House before the break”.

Eamon Gilmore harrumphed and leaned back in his seat. “Aaaah!” he said, a knowing smile on his face.

The Taoiseach, it would appear, is a paid-up member of the “what they don’t know won’t hurt them” school of politics. Judging by the disconsolate expressions on the faces of some of his Ministers, they don’t share their boss’s outlook.

After a frustrating day in Kildare Street, some were saying that Brian Cowen was worried that a public backlash over the cuts would adversely affect the Lisbon referendum. That is expected in October.

Enda Kenny wants action. In particular, he wants the Government to move on the jobs front. It’s not all about cuts, you know.

We need to be “nimble, flexible and in front” he told the Taoiseach, sounding like a refugee from an aerobics class.

Biffo looked askance.

He’s far too busy stalling to think about being nimble, flexible and in front. He has a public expecting to be hit by a tonne of bricks by Grandmaster Snip, who is ready to deliver the punishment.

Pain delayed is pain anticipated. And it’s going to happen. It just down to timing now.

But Brian Cowen is in Jack Nicholson mode.

Remember A Few Good Men? Good movie. Great tagline.

“You can’t handle the truth!” That’s what Biffo thinks.

It’s time for him to put his inbertiebrate days behind him and grow a backbone.

Nimble, flexible and all that . . .