Micheál Martin left his satnav behind at the weekend.
He stood up in the Dáil yesterday, still confused.
“Where stands Lansdowne Road now, Taoiseach?”
It was a bit late for him to be asking that question yesterday. Cork City won the FAI Cup on Sunday.
The Fianna Fáil leader would have known the way in the halcyon days of Roy Keane, when proud Corkonians flocked to the old stadium to worship at the gifted feet of their sporting hero.
Maybe he forgot the route in all the excitement. But it has been a while. Micheál – a GAA man first and foremost – must have driven to Croke Park by mistake.
Right now, Enda: where stands Lansdowne Road? Has it been moved? Micheál certainly thinks so.
Not only that, but he deeply suspects the goalposts have been moved as well.
Why he thought Enda Kenny would know the answer is another question. The Taoiseach comes from Mayo. He is battling serious emotional issues with Croke Park, so Micheál should have known better than ask him the way to the Aviva.
For all that, Enda has enough advisers to fill him in on the directions.
So when the Fianna Fáil leader asked for help, he should have had his reply ready to go.
“Deputy Martin, unless herself is driving, I’d get the train because that way you can have the few pints. If you decide to take the car, just shoot down the M8 and M7 and on into town. Head for the RDS where you have the ardfheis, then ditch the jalopy near the old Jurys hotel and follow the crowd.”
Ramifications
Unfortunately, Enda didn’t give Micheál the reply he wanted. Although their exchange took place during Leaders’ Questions, when (unlike the road from Cork to Dublin) there is no such thing as a straight answer. This could have very serious ramifications for the stability of the Government.
Both leaders, along with counterparts from smaller parties, were very concerned yesterday about the exact whereabouts of Lansdowne Road in our increasingly rocky public-service industrial relations landscape. They can’t make head or tail of the existing map of pay agreements – Lansdowne or Haddington Road or Croke Park?
Where are we?
Thankfully, the teachers can explain. Except they’re on strike, and the Opposition said this is the Government’s fault.
Kenny said it was nothing to do with them. The money is there for the teachers, if they would only recognise the road map regarding hours worked.
“In my view, the flexibility on Croke Park hours is there within Lansdowne,” said Martin, by way of Haddington Road, as lowly workers in the private sector wondered how they might get street names dedicated to their pay and conditions and a whole parliament to fret over them.
Tipperary Independent Séamus Healy was up in arms on behalf of the protesting teachers.
“Clearly this is not a question of money,” he told the Taoiseach. “It is an attempt to coerce and bully a union into a new agreement and Mussolini, Franco and their Irish Blueshirt ally, General O’Duffy, would be proud of you and your Government today!”
But for all the noisy concerns raised by Gerry Adams, Healy and Richard Boyd Barrett, Enda was most concerned about poor Micheál's state of knowledge about the location of Lansdowne.
He stressed repeatedly that the Government still “stands by” Lansdowne Road and will continue to stand by it.
But the nights are drawing in. Maybe if he puts a high-vis jacket on Paschal Donohoe, who is in change of the money needed for the upkeep of Lansdowne, and makes him go out into the middle of the road and wave his arms, Micheál might locate it quicker.
His Government is dependent on Fianna Fáil’s support by way of a “confidence-and-supply” agreement, which, among other things, is predicated on maintaining Lansdowne in good order. But the Fianna Fáil leader is growing increasingly fond of warning him in the Dáil that he can’t start tinkering with the agreement. If that happens, he might be forced to walk away and take the 32nd Dáil with him.
Changing tack
"During the confidence and supply, it's worth pointing out, Fine Gael were absolutely adamant that Lansdowne would be central to public-pay policy and that for any confidence-and-supply agreement to happen it would need our sign-on as well . . . Now, I'm hearing from Ministers that the Government is changing tack in relation to Lansdowne Road."
Enda begged to disagree.
“I don’t believe you’ve brought clarity to the situation, to be frank,” sighed Micheál.
“I’ll bring clarity to it,” the Taoiseach assured him. Or perhaps Enda he was assuring himself.
“Are you reassured?” said Adams to Martin.
“We might have to meet on this,” suggested the Fianna Fáil leader, ominously, as the Taoiseach said soothingly that Paschal would be backing his devotion to Lansdowne at a press conference later on.
Labour's Brendan Howlin had another question for Micheál.
“Is Fianna Fáil still supplying?”
“Supply is getting scarce,” chimed Mattie McGrath.
“Do you still have confidence?” Gerry teased once more.
So Enda looked across at Micheál, former teacher to former teacher, and told him Lansdowne stands where it has always stood and alone they do not stand because they both stand for the same thing, which is the entirety of Lansdowne – north, south, east and west stands.
As clear as mud.
