Miriam Lord: Coalition willing to do anything to get out of water charges mess

“We’re listening,” they croaked, dripping with humility and contrition.

“We have made mistakes.”

A chastened Government front bench took up position in the Dáil chamber, ready to face their afternoon of atonement. They were all ears now; remorseful and reformed and ready to hear what the representatives of the people had to say.

The Opposition prepared to hand out some penance.

Whereupon the Taoiseach, Tánaiste and Minister for Environment demonstrated this new approach by demolishing their freshly cemented listening post.

They gathered up their bits and pieces and scuttled from the chamber, leaving the people whose views they had just pledged to entertain talking to themselves.

There was uproar.

Followed by a walkout.

As the saying goes: if these people had brains, they’d be dangerous.

But it gets better.

Yesterday, we noted in this column that the Government was in such a panic to take the sting out of the water charges controversy that they would probably end up paying people money to sign up to their shattered scheme.

It was a joke.

It was a joke.

But by the end on the day, it turned out to be true. They really were prepared to do anything to get themselves out of the mess they’d made for themselves.

Even Government backbenchers were privately laughing at the madness of it all. “Watership Down!” became the catch-cry among some of them as it began to trickle out that certain lucky consumers will emerge from this debacle €100 to the good.

Could this be true?

Well, yes, apparently.

People with septic tanks, who live on their own, stand to make €20 on the deal and people who have a septic tank and a well on their land should be up a ton by the time they have claimed their entitlements.

Ding dong bell, septic tank and well . . .

You have to laugh.

But spare a thought for Labour's Alan Kelly, the Minister for the Environment, who only recently went into the job after Phil Hogan took off for Europe, leaving the smouldering wreckage of his work on the water charges behind him.

Alan likes to think of himself of a “can do” sort of tough guy. He wasn’t just going to sort out this shambles in the interests of the Irish people and in the interests of coalition colleagues. No. He was doing it in the interest of himself.

This was personal.

In his opening remarks, as he addressed this “significant moment for the country”, the Minister declared modestly: “I want my legacy to be one of achievement, not destruction.”

Nothing like dreaming big.

Bronze bust

Never mind the sewage-contaminated supplies and the cracked lead pipes and the fears of cash-strapped citizens facing into yet another state-imposed charge. What about the future of young Alan Kelly? Without decisive action, that dream of a bronze bust in the town square of Nenagh might never come to pass.

Politics is all about priorities, and we know now where Alan Kelly’s priorities lie.

Labour's Man of Action delivered a robust address in a booming voice, performing one of the biggest and most complicated U-turns in the history of Leinster House with unshakeable confidence.

Early in his speech, he confirmed the full, breathtaking scale of this climbdown. Were we hearing him right?

“In fact, some people will be able to get their bills below €100 and when taken with the water conservation grant, they will likely be better off because of the introduction of water charges and meters.”

The Opposition burst out laughing.

Even Kelly allowed himself a little smirk. “That’s the facts,” he insisted.

As it turned out, the Government wasn’t promising everything but the kitchen sink. It was actually throwing in the cost of a kitchen sink for some water users in its new plans.

Even the people in Roscommon, after years of hardship, “will be able to drink water from their tap”.

Presumably because, after spending all their spare cash on bottled water, they can’t afford to buy any glasses.

Such has been the national upheaval over the botched attempt to introduce a billing programme for water, yesterday’s announcement of a new charging regime took on the appearance of a budget address. All that was missing was a photocall before the event with Alan holding up his speech in one hand and a ballcock in the other.

The chamber was packed for the occasion. The speech took as long as recent budget statements. RTÉ broadcast it live. Given the range of reductions and hand-outs on offer, the Opposition remained fairly quiet for most of the time as the Minister dismantled the original programme in favour of a skin-saving solution for the beleaguered Government.

There is even going to be a new "public/bill payers forum to advise Irish Water on service expectations and provide valuable feedback on investment priorities."

More commonly known as Liveline.

Kelly was also pleased to welcome the decision by Irish Water not to proceed with the company’s “Performance-Related Award Mechanism” for 2013 and 2014.

Otherwise called “Pram” – presumably the vehicle of choice for senior executives parachuted in from local authorities when carting away their bonus payments.

As the speech continued, Kelly got louder and louder and his voice sounded increasingly strangulated. Joan Burton, who was sitting beside him, was getting the full brunt of his delivery. The poor woman. Trapped for over two hours in her car at the weekend by a baying mob and yesterday, trapped in the chamber for over 40 minutes and fearing her ears were about to bleed.

There was no applause when he finished. That wouldn’t fit in with the new, humble, listening image of the Government. And as they don’t know if the new measures will stop the rot – the genie is out of the bottle now that citizens know that mass protest can actually achieve something – they knew better than to engage in any buck-lepping.

Fianna Fáil's Barry Cowen was first to reply, attacking "this entity, this animal, this monster that is Irish Water".

Later, he declared: “This animal is dead. It has no traction. It’s shot.”

That was before the row, when the opposition, rightly, took offence at the lack of courtesy shown to the debate and the Dáil by the swift departure of the main principals.

Micheál Martin, Gerry Adams and sundry members of the Technical Group slammed Enda, Joan and Alan for treating parliament, and by extension, the people, with such contempt.

‘Snake oil’

“Off to the media to sell his snake oil,” said Higgins. “It is not acceptable. The Minister should be sent for immediately.”

Those Ministers left behind looked worried and lost. Paul Kehoe, the Chief Whip, accused them of "grandstanding and playacting", whereupon the opposition walked out.

“Talk to yourself,” harrumphed one departing Fianna Fáiler.

After 45 minutes, the missing trio sheepishly returned and the debate proceeded.

It became a little dull. Finian McGrath fell fast asleep during a leaden contribution from Sinn Féin's Brian Stanley, who spoke of "a climbdown, a major climbdown, a huge climbdown".

“Dublin’s water system is literally on a knife edge,” said the Taoiseach, fervently promising that this will be the last national charge levied by his administration. He might as well have been talking about his Government, which is in a state of deep distress.

Not to mention Alan Kelly’s legacy.

Literally.