House agog as angry Green Hornet condemns sharp practices

DAIL SKETCH:Mild-mannered, bespectacled John Gormley may look like an ordinary Minister for the Environment who goes to work on his trusty bicycle and talks a lot about attic insulation. But for years, he has been leading an exciting double life. Yesterday afternoon, his dark secret was revealed. John Gormley is The Green Hornet.

He is a driven man, dedicated to the never-ending fight against the evil forces of corporate crime. Deputies gasped when his true identity was laid bare on the floor of Dáil Éireann for all to see. Their shocked sniggers rang around the chamber, until he could take their derision no more.

The Green Hornet, aka Insulation Man, snapped. He unleashed an elemental fury, so, eh, elemental in its fury, that Pat Rabbitte nearly choked on his own chuckles. Dr James Reilly appeared to be in tears. Pain was etched on Joan Burton’s face as she laughed her leg off. Then her sides split.

Sitting beside this surprise superhero was his Cabinet colleague, Brian Lenihan. He had been studying his notes while Gormley, leader of the Greens, spoke about the recapitalisation of the banks. However, as John’s transformation began to take place, a smile crept across Brian’s face.

Perhaps it was the dawning realisation that the country would be in a far worse mess than it is at the moment were it not for the undetected vigilance of The Green Hornet that lifted the spirits of our embattled Minister for Finance. Perhaps the rising chorus of mirth from the other side of the House got to him. Whatever it was, Brian’s shoulders began to shake.

From the outset, Gormley made it clear that the Green Party had always fought the good fight. “From our foundation, we have stood aloof from the banks,” he began. His party has been appalled by the revelations of sharp practice in certain financial institutions.

Not for him, the luxury of playing “the Opposition game of sniping from the comfort zone of the sidelines”. The Green Hornet operates from outside that comfort zone. Instead, he goes about his vital work from within the comfort zone of Government. (And very early into his speech, it became clear that he has no intention of leaving it.) He will continue to battle the evil banks from within.

Since before Christmas, John revealed, he had been criticising the Financial Regulator. Thanks in no small part to the efforts of his party, heads have rolled at the highest level in our banks.

“There will be further resignations,” he nodded darkly.

But The Green Hornet never rests. He wants to see US style perp-walks become commonplace here. “In the United States, you will see people who are white-collar criminals being led out in handcuffs. I want to see the same regime in this country, and I believe we will see the same regime in this country.” At this stage, The Green Hornet was really buzzing. “There will be no blind eye turned as long as the Green Party is in Government!” Lenihan couldn’t keep a straight face. The Opposition went into paroxysms.

Joan Burton must have been thinking about the Greens’ lack of knowledge on the latest twist in the banking crisis, because she struggled out a strangulated: “You couldn’t even get a memo!”

But The Green Hornet ploughed on. The beat of a superhero is always a lonely one. His party would continue to insist that the laws must be applied and a tough approach has to be taken with top management in the banks. “The Green Party will continue to keep pressure up on this issue,” he quivered.

“Ooooh!” they cried from across the floor, recoiling in mock horror. That was it. They had gone too far.

The Green Hornet took flight. “By the way, deputy,” he began, directing his venom towards the smirking Burton. “We didn’t take a cent from the banks. Your party did take money from the banks!” Lenihan’s face was a picture – a mixture of alarm and amused fascination.

“So just keep quiet over there, just for a moment!” But they couldn’t, because they were falling around the place.

The secret life of Gormley had been blown open, so he cut loose with the confirmation that his crusade is ongoing. “We are working for long-term change to ensure Ireland never again repeats these drastic errors.” Then The Green Hornet, aka Insulation Man, fell back into his seat, totally spent.

But, the highlight of the day was provided by Bank of Ireland chief executive Brian Goggin, who can look forward to a career in comedy if he doesn’t want to stick with accountancy.

In an interview with RTÉ, Mr Goggin said his salary would be “substantially down” on his earning last year. What did he get then? “I think . . .” I think?

“I think my disclosed total compensation was €2.9 million.” And what is he looking at now? “Less than two million.”

It’s a rum do. But the bank boss is philosophical. “Maybe we all got carried away in the euphoria,” he mused. Back in the Dáil, Pat Rabbitte wasn’t so sure. “Now, in the name of God, what kind of alternative planet are these guys living on?” That’s very unkind of Pat. Those guys lost a packet buying planets.

So it’s only right that the chastened Joe Soaps of Ireland should be participating in a monumental whiparound in honour of distress bankers like Goggin. Shoulders to the wheel and just be very thankful it isn’t you who’s down to your last (disclosed) two million.