Miriam Lord: Christmas is coming, Dáil’s goose is cooked

It’s time to throw your hat at the 31st Dáil. You have better things to be doing. In fact, we all have better things to be doing – and that includes TDs, who would rather be in their offices stuffing envelopes and fretting about constituency rivals than sitting in the chamber and pretending their presence makes a democratic difference.

Yet again, the chamber was woefully underpopulated for Leaders’ Questions, although a small number of Ministers turned up to sit beside the Taoiseach as a gesture of atonement for last week’s session when he had to skirt around the big issues all on his own. However they spent most of the time looking down at their phones.

The health service was the sole subject up for discussion during Leaders’ Questions. Adverse mentions of shortcomings in the system get an automatic and suitably medical response from Enda now. Trolley jams and overcrowding in A&E?

“Stats! Stat!”

And the Taoiseach immediately reels off a list of statistics indicating the advances achieved by his Government in this very difficult area.

Lack of funding in the area of public health?

“Stats! Stat!”

Instantly, he’s off again.

Operations cancelled?

“Nurse, the figures!”

The Taoiseach is heavily armed with campaign statistics and he is not afraid to use them. Between now and the general election, he’ll be firing them off at every opportunity to show how much his Coalition has done since taking office. He has become a walking election leaflet. And the Opposition will dispute him at every opportunity.

In the chamber, this boils down to a lot of sniping, bickering and point-scoring until the clock runs down and they can all go back to the business in hand – getting people elected.

Proceedings ran true to form yesterday. We did get an indication as to why casualty departments are so busy. It’s to do with all the politicians involved in traffic accidents and boiling water mishaps.

When Micheál Martin reminded the Taoiseach that former minister for heath James Reilly said he was unable to do his job properly due to lack of resources, Enda replied that the Micheál had doubled spending when he was in the job and achieved nothing.

“He fled out of the Department of Health as fast as his two legs could carry him. He fled out of the place. He ran like a scalded cat . . . ”

The Fianna Fáil leader vehemently protested, but Enda kept going. Micheál had been “afraid to accept any responsibility. He cowered in the corner at the cabinet table.”

Leo Varadkar joined in the attack. “You threw your own secretary general under the bus over the nursing home charges.”

Timmy Dooley rallied to his leader’s defence, telling Varadkar: “You pushed a fair few under it too.” Not only that, said Timmy, but the Government is still pushing poor James under that bus. “You pushed Reilly under it, pulled him out and you’ll throw him in again.”

The ambulance personnel don’t know whether they’re coming or going.

After a most unsatisfactory series of exchanges on the health service, questions to the Taoiseach began with the Fianna Fáil leader attacking the Taoiseach for not answering any questions.

“It’s extraordinary, the degree to which you don’t engage in debate publicly. You manage the media well – I give you credit in terms of identifying the particular programmes you slink on to,” he told Enda, who didn’t look best pleased.

“I think most people are 100 per cent underwhelmed by the democratic revolution . . . Your attitude to the Dáil is: the Dáil doesn’t matter but we will leak memos, we will leak stories, we will leak this and that, but the last place to find out is Dáil Éireann.” Enda didn’t know what he was on about.

Gerry Adams agreed with Micheál. He been asking questions for years, with no joy. Enda wasn’t having that. He stuck in the boot.

“You talk about answering questions here? We’ve had occasion to ask you questions in the House here and we got nothing but obfuscation and confusion and blind allegiance from those who sit around you, about very serious matters.”

Meanwhile, Micheál refused to let go. What about Vincent Browne? “You never turn up. In five years you’ve never turned up at a debate like that . . .”

Enda absorbed the barrage.

“I’ve never in my lifetime in this House come across a taoiseach who will not come into the House and answer questions on the burning issue of the day. You simply do not do it, Taoiseach, you always seek to avoid it.”

Finally, the object of his ire tried to turn the tables.

“ So, what you’re saying effectively is that you never ask questions about the burning issue of the day. You have an opportunity here at Leaders’ Questions to ask questions, as you say, about the burning issues of the day. So now you’re saying we don’t debate them?

“You see, Deputy Martin, you can’t have it every way,” continued Enda, piously. “You lead your party, and you’re entitled to and good luck to you. I lead mine and I happen to lead the Government. In due course you’ll have plenty of opportunity for debate.”

Five times in a row, Micheál put the question. “Will you debate? Will you debate . . .?”

Enda gave a response worthy of Bertie Ahern.

“Just waffle from you!”

Gerry Adams declared he has lots of questions he needed answered.

“Be careful what you wish for,” threatened Enda, twice.

In other words, he might just surprise him with an answer, some day.

The 31st Dáil is a turkey.

Stick a fork in it. It’s done.