Miriam Lord: All quiet at the cutting edge of the future

So here we are, at the cutting edge of the future again.

But nobody is making a big song and dance about it this time.

Leo’s Almighty Hoopla in Sligo was but a distant memory in Cork when a reworked version of the National Development Plan was launched for a post-pandemic Ireland. In 2018 the Fine Gael led government staged a flashy propaganda panto showcasing a full cast of ministers and busloads of cheerleaders to jazz up the announcement. It was mortifying.

There were inevitable questions in the Dáil about the cost of this vanity production and attendant marketing circus (estimated at €1.5 million) followed by uproar over State-funded newspaper puff pieces to sell the blueprint to voters around the country. The toe-curling episode hastened the early demise of Leo Varadkar’s beloved Strategic Communications Unit.

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He was so miffed over the reaction to his great unveiling he accused Fianna Fáil of blowing €1 million back in 2007 to publicise their national plan.

A highly indignant Micheál Martin went off to check. It was only “approximately €340,000”, he subsequently informed the Dáil.

And he wouldn’t be doing that again.

Monday’s gig to launch the “largest and most comprehensive plan in the history of the State” since the last one was so low-key it was almost apologetic. Ministers, summoned to Cork for a Cabinet meeting in the morning, were not invited to the lunchtime affair. It was just the four lads – Taoiseach Micheál Martin, Tánaiste Leo Varadkar, Green party leader Eamon Ryan and Minister for Public Expenditure Michael McGrath.

The nets at both ends were tied up to guard against the ever-present possibility of somebody scoring an own goal

They looked like they didn’t want to be there. If this was them delivering a good news story, you’d be worried for them if they had to deliver a bad one.

This drab event in Páirc Uí Chaoimh looked like it cost the rent of the hall and a new football for Micheál so he could be photographed kicking it. This took place away from prying media eyes, lest it might look too flash and showbizzy.

A civil servant, when asked the identity of the people causing a stir out of sight on the sidelines, replied “the four principals”.

Funereal music

Journalists were confined to an unadorned function room with funereal music playing at low volume in the background while the four lads cautiously larked about in the drizzle for publicity purposes. Apparently a hurley was also produced, probably to embarrass Leo.

“They only had one ball between them,” reported a witness.

The nets at both ends were tied up to guard against the ever-present possibility of somebody scoring an own goal. The electronic scoreboards in the deserted stadium were lit up with two messages: “Project Ireland 2040” at the Blackrock end and “gov.ie 2040” at the city end. Not a soul there to read them.

There were no actual numbers on the scoreboards. Rather like the plan they were about to launch, which was very strong on aspiration but markedly woolly on target dates and final costings.

Because of their pressing engagement with the covert PR pics taken by an agency photographer – the Taoiseach reportedly enjoyed doing a little solo run with the football before whacking it some distance over the crossbar – “the four principals” were late for their own event. But that doesn’t matter, as delays can be expected when major infrastructural projects such as whole-of-government launches are under way.

The politicians arrived to a deafening fanfare of silence and stood in front of a dimly lit, unassuming backdrop

Nearly an hour after kick-off time, Micheál’s voice suddenly boomed around the grey walls, even though he hadn’t arrived yet. The single monitor the organisers decided to switch on in a fit of wild extravagance began transmitting a promotional video featuring the four lads, of whom there was still no sign. So it was played for a second time, allowing us to confirm that in Eamon Ryan’s segment, when he talks about the future of transport in our towns, a shiny blue 1920s-style vintage car is shown tootling down the street.

The politicians finally arrived to a deafening fanfare of silence and stood in front of a dimly lit, unassuming backdrop: four men in almost identical navy suits and black lace-up shoes, with not even hint of a Heather Humphreys or Norma Foley to temper the testosterone.

Huge pipeline

They talked about a “huge pipeline of projects”and inter-connected plans which will see an alignment of “all the arms” of the State, “gigantic” investment, the creation of new advisory groups whose members will be recruited through non-Zappone, open-style competition, interactive maps for the curious and the completion of the Dunkettle interchange.

“We as a Government are committing to Ireland being at the cutting edge, the leading edge of creating this low-carbon economy,” said Eamon Ryan, explaining what the retweaked NDP with an added fifty billion will do.

“The cutting edge of the future” as the aforementioned Humphreys said ahead of the 2018 extravaganza which nobody talks about anymore.

The Green Party arm of the Coalition began its day in Cork with a firm vote of confidence in the plan by marking its launch with a gathering at a well-known landmark called the Shakey Bridge.

And some people say the Greens don’t have a sense of humour.

Back at Páirc Uí Chaoimh, the Four Principals negotiated a strange line between downbeat and gung-ho.

“I am confident we can deliver many of the projects,” said the Taoiseach. “I feel delivery is a big challenge.”

From the security of the Shakey Bridge, Eamon Ryan said it couldn't be guaranteed that every road project will go ahead

The Tánaiste, still nursing sore feelings over the fallout from his Mighty Hoopla spectacle in Sligo three years ago, spent most of his time outlining the many projects in that original plan which were completed on time and on budget. People tend to talk about delays, “but we have delivered more than we haven’t”.

“I could go on...” he remarked after reading out his long list of successes for the second time.

Ah, no, you’re grand.

The areas covered under the new, carbon- and climate-adjusted framework are very wide-ranging indeed. “I am particularly pleased that the NDP we are presenting today has a particular focus on, and provides significant funding for, an enhanced regime of PE in the country,” said Micheál, amid all the talk of roads and flexible competitiveness.

Modal shift

From the security of the Shakey Bridge, Eamon Ryan said it couldn’t be guaranteed that every road project will go ahead. At Páirc Uí Chaoimh he waxed passionately about the Western Rail Corridor, traffic bypasses, children cycling to school and the modal shift towards public transport.

“And what are we going to do with our stunning 19th-century towns?” he asked, to baffled expressions from the other three, who seemed content to let him talk away.

The plan is chock-full of promises about major capital projects, but the lack of hard financial figures to bolster them was raised in the follow up question-and-answer session.

“Michael McGrath doesn’t do wild guesstimates and neither does Paschal,” replied the Taoiseach as McGrath beamed modestly. Paschal Donohoe, by the way, was in Luxembourg wearing his president of the Eurogroup of financial ministers hat.

The Minister for Public Expenditure got high praise from his Government colleagues for the work he put into the plan. “The investment here is gigantic,” gurgled Michael of his own work. “On a scale the like of which we’ve never seen before.”

We didn’t catch sight of the Attorney General at the Cabinet meeting. Perhaps he was tying up a few loose ends down at the courthouse on the opening day of the Michaelmas term. Paul Gallagher is under fire from the Opposition for carrying out some private client work after his appointment as the State’s top legal advisor.

“His work ethic is second to none,” marvelled Micheál.

Which is true.