If you hurry there's still time to buy a tea towel or, if you prefer, a stamp or a mug. Queen Elizabeth's third son will be tying the knot in just two weeks. Yes, the British and international viewing public have had the dubious pleasure of this spectacle on at least two previous occasions, but with the help of a liberal dose of reality and his betrothed's canny media skills, the royal couple might get it right this time round.
In the royal marriage department Prince Edward and his PR gal from the Home Counties don't have much of an act to follow. He comes from a dysfunctional family whose attempts at happy, successful marriages put even Elizabeth Taylor in the shade. A cursory look at the divorce list - Diana, Fergie, Mark Phillips et al - and it is a wonder that a woman as bright as Sophie has signed up for this at all. She, on the other hand, is something of a rarity among royal brides. The daughter of a successful marriage, Sophie - and indeed her brother - were raised in the traditionally royal-supporting, solid-English-backbone village of Brenchley, in Kent, so at least she will have the benefit of both her parents' shoulders to cry on when the tabloids compare her ankles unfavourably with Princess Diana's.
What Sophie appears to have in her favour is that the British royal family is so incredibly worried about repeating the mistakes it made in handling Diana "the drama queen", that it has protected this "sensible girl" like no other. So, in the five months between engagement and marriage, this new treasure has been given the kid-gloves treatment, and is protected by discreet bodyguards and advisers wherever she goes. The "firm" senses in Sophie the kind of woman who could bring the dynasty out of its post-Diana doldrums, but it is also keen not to build her up into a cult figure. It has learnt its lesson from its recent cack-handed attempts at mass appeal such as Queen Elizabeth's bizarre decision to sign a Manchester United football while on tour in Asia. And in a non-threatening, non-sexy way (the opposite of Fergie's persona), Sophie will represent the firm as the dependable face of Britain.
Such is the level of trust - and in keeping with Sophie and Edward's publicly-declared wish to be treated as just another working couple - the control freaks at the palace have given them a bit of a free reign in arranging their wedding at St George's Chapel, Windsor; though Ed's mummy is picking up the £1 million sterling bill and she did put her foot down about selling the television rights to his production company. Apart from the fact that Sophie is likely to pledge her willingness to "obey" Edward, in many other respects their wedding will be a modern affair. Shortly after the engagement, it was reported that wedding guests would be asked to arrive in evening dress with no hats because the couple believed a less formal approach to protocol would be a more comfortable way of sailing through the day. It is unlikely that there will be any "military" pomp since Edward didn't really like the boys in the Marines, and the couple will be married at 5 p.m. because Sophie doesn't want to upstage the other Windsor brides on their wedding day.
The bride-to-be is thought to have opted for a little-known dress designer for her wedding dress which, after the criticism she received following her choice of a grey Tomasz Starzewski suit for the engagement photos, is probably not a bad idea. Cruelly described as looking a bit "hippy" in the Starzewski suit, Sophie is sure to opt for style over sexiness when she walks down the aisle.
Much more interesting is Edward and Sophie's decision to opt for a hatless wedding - an idea borrowed from the European royals and one which will no doubt feature at the weddings of nice girls from Kent next summer.
Such is the brouhaha among the media, that it has attracted the attention of daytime television pundits who make a living fooling viewers that they can re-create this look/meal/lifestyle for £50. OK, so this time the likes of Richard and Judy have surpassed their ability to present the unremarkable as truly indispensable, but it is deliciously funny viewing. We all know the type of seven-minute feature that is the natural fodder of honey-coloured, daytime studios. Three models parade in outfits our middle-aged mothers would like us to wear, with not a silk-embroidered miniature handbag to be seen.
What does it say about modern-day royals that among a public obviously lukewarm about Sophie and Edward's marriage, the only thing that registers interest is a fashion slot at 10.55 a.m.? It used to be that the British public hung on every word and action of the royal family, but after all the scandals and Diana's death, few can be bothered any more and no one really wants to see Sophie re-cast as Diana Mark II.
The courtiers at the palace are reportedly raising a few eyebrows at the low-key formality. However, a dash of colour in the waistband and feathers in the women's hair rather than silk hats seem to be in keeping with the late-1990s affair Edward and Sophie are hoping for. And if it's raining - and it wouldn't be June in England if it wasn't - at least the 2,000 members of the public invited to ogle in the grounds of the chapel will have something to talk about. Having said that, Sophie rather let the side down when she appeared at the wedding of her dress designer in London last week wearing - yes - a hat that was far too large, with exotic flowers stuffed into the brim and which nearly fell off her head when a friend tried to plant a kiss on her cheek. At that wedding, Sophie was putting a brave face on a distressing episode with that woman, Kara Noble. The decision by the former Heart 106.2 radio dj to sell to The Sun an 11-year-old photograph of a topless Sophie frolicking with the Capital Radio DJ Chris Tarrant saw all hell break loose in the media. The palace, ever-protective and entirely justified, complained to the Press Complaints Commission and within days of publication, Sophie had pulled off a magnificent PR stroke by publicly (through "a friend") forgiving the unscrupulous Noble.
But sometimes the subtext of what is going on in the tabloids is easier to read than the story itself. In this case the "great nipple outrage" after the publication of the photograph of Sophie's right breast was quickly followed by a ridiculously stage-managed apology from The Sun's editor, David Yelland. It wasn't so much that we had seen it all before from The Sun, but that we had read it all before.
IN THE years before the death of Princess Diana, when the royal tabloid war was at its most vicious and The Sun did not think twice about publishing an intrusive photograph of the five-months-pregnant princess in her bikini, pictures of the British and European royals in their underwear or swimming gear were a yawn. We saw grainy images of Fergie having her toes sucked and pictures of Princess Grace's daughter, Stephanie, frolicking with her bodyguard in the south of France. Without exception, the photographs were greeted by a jaded public as just another example of the outrageous behaviour of those with too much money and time on their hands.
This time, however, Sophie was not yet a royal and it was judged to have been in bad taste not only to print the picture, but also to expect a 34-year-old woman not to have a past. The Sun, with one eye on its sales figures, had thought it had an incredible story, but it badly misfired. And so in a re-run of The Sun's grovelling apology to Charles and Diana, Yelland was forced by palace and public opinion to plead for forgiveness for printing the offending picture of Sophie's breast. This time round, in the supposed era of media self-regulation, Yelland's apology included an undertaking to abandon plans to publish more topless photographs.
If the next two weeks pass without a hitch and the hats are kept off in St George's Chapel, the newlyweds will reside at Bagshot Park, in Surrey, the unassuming Home County retirement home for solicitors and bankers. There they will no doubt hope to live an unassuming life, with Sophie opting to take the train to London to work, while Edward doggedly works out his days at his production company. They might even make a few well-timed public appearances and with their track record in self-promotion, the prince and the PR girl will rarely be off the cover of Hello!