Listeners at sea as Bertie's bounty knows no bounds

Dáil Sketch: For a while yesterday, it looked like we were witnessing a Mutiny on the Bounty. The Centenarian's Bounty, that is: the State's €2,500 gift for those who live to be 100. Now also payable, courtesy of a recent Government decision, to Irish-born people living abroad. It was a good news story, by any standards.

Trouble only arose because Captain Bligh (Bertie Ahern) is not a natural communicator and the full extent of the good news had to be prised out of him, like rum rations. It's only a slight exaggeration to say that, at one stage, his listeners were all at sea.

First to seek clarification was a stern Caoimhghín Ó Caoláin who, looking like he expected the answer to be "no", asked the Taoiseach if the bounty would apply "to citizens in the six counties".The answer was "yes", as it happened. Anyone born on the island of Ireland "back to whenever", would qualify, said Bertie. "And into the future?" asked Caoimhghín, meaning people born in the North after partition. "Yes" again, said the Taoiseach. "That's very good," admitted a clearly impressed Finian McGrath.

Not everyone among the Opposition's scurvy crew was pacified, however. While welcoming the bounty's extension, Pat Rabbitte suggested it was the "least important" of the proposals made by Fine Gael and Labour to help the Irish abroad. Would the State actively seek out emigrants, including those entitled to the bounty, he wondered.

Mr Ahern promised that our embassies would become, as it were, bounty hunters. He also insisted the scheme was not as marginal as it might seem. Actuaries estimated that of the 103,811 Irish people born in 1904, 625 should have reached 100, although only 141 had been paid.

Last week's debate about the electoral register, and in particular the high number of deceased people who continue to vote, inevitably haunted the exchanges. This may have confused things. At any rate, when Trevor Sargent sought clarification of just who was now entitled to the bounty, Captain Bligh became exasperated.

"For the third time," he began, before explaining that the payment was due to centenarians living or born here. Then he added to the confusion by appearing to suggest that the money could not be payable to "people who arrive here at 98".

It was at this point that Joe Higgins turned into Fletcher Christian and threatened to seize the ship. It was "ridiculous", he snapped, that a resident of Ireland could be a "second-class citizen", even at 100. "Surely that cannot be true?" he raged.

It couldn't. Adopting the tone of a kindergarten teacher, Bertie tried again. Up to now the bounty was payable to centenarians living in the State, regardless of nationality, he said. That would continue. But the payment had also been extended to centenarians born on this island, wherever they now lived.

"Is that clear?" he asked, searching the Opposition for signs of miscomprehension. Everybody agreed it was clear, including Mr Ó Caoláin.

"It still won't apply to all the people you have on the register," quipped Conor Lenihan.