Lifting the covers on 2004

The Last Straw: January: Papers released under the 30-year rule reveal that in 1973, the government briefly considered introducing a free-haircut scheme, amid fears that citizens were being exposed to ridicule from future generations.

Sales of cigarettes plummet early in the month, but quickly recover. The Government welcomes figures showing that February will have 29 days, its highest level in four years. An event on the 20th has adverse implications for sales of Old Moore's Almanac.

February: Tullamore hosts a meeting of EU foreign ministers to discuss Ireland's opposition to a two-speed Europe. A number of ministers arrive late, however, due to confusion caused by the Irish road-sign system. The meeting eventually agrees a compromise for a single rate of EU progress, but with some states using miles, and others kilometres.

March: The divisions caused by the smoking ban escalate when a group of publicans led by Jackie Healy Rae seize the Four Courts. As the crisis deepens, the Cabinet is recalled from Cheltenham, and gives its backing to the Minister for Health (each-way). With opposition fiercest in the south-west, Micheál Martin sets out on a tour of Cork, saying: "They'd never do anything to me in my own county."

April: In a dramatic development, scientists from the European Space Agency finally establish contact with the Mars probe, Beagle 2, and with it receive the first evidence of life on the red planet. The decoded signal reads: "We have your probe. If you want to see it again anytime soon, send €50 million." Excitement wanes when scientists remember it's April1st.

May: In another breakthrough, Ireland finally establishes contact with a number of MEPs who have not been heard of since the last European elections. A Garda spokesman credits the breakthrough to a poster campaign featuring the missing politicians' faces, which has encouraged members of the public to come forward with information. "We now have a number of confirmed sightings," the spokesman says.

June: The local elections see pro-smoking candidates returned in most constituencies. The new arrivals refuse to take their seats in council chambers, however, preferring to stand in groups outside the front door. There are no major surprises in the Europeans, however, where the English football team is returned from Portugal on the first count.

July: George Bush flies into Dublin for a three-day visit, after CIA intelligence reveals that Ireland "almost certainly" possesses the graves of his ancestors. When no evidence emerges to support the claim, the CIA suggests the remains may have been destroyed, or moved to another country. The president denies his visit is an election ploy, but is encouraged by polls showing that 70 per cent of the US public now believe him to be Irish.

August: There is near-tragedy at the opening of the Olympic Games in Athens, when a section of Demis Roussos collapses on spectators. Luckily there are no serious injuries. The true cost of the Games only emerges, however, when his re-released Happy to be on an Island in the Sun goes straight to the top of the charts, launching a comeback. Encouraged, Nana Mouskouri announces a world tour.

September: Amid renewed concern about the tactic of blanket defence, the All-Ireland football final ends scoreless, after extra time. Tyrone eventually retain the Sam Maguire, beating Armagh 4-2 on penalties. Bitterly, Cork withdraws objections to the playing of foreign games in Croke Park, "since we have them there already".

October: Croke Park hosts the Ireland-France World Cup qualifier, and Brian Kerr's bold selection policy pays off when the home team wins. Somehow, Thierry Henry lacks his usual panache when faced with Armagh's Francie Bellew and seven other defenders. Kerr declares that Irish soccer has found its natural home, a point he enlarges upon during a 10-minute victory speech from the Hogan Stand.

November: After months of negotiations, there is a dramatic breakthrough in Northern Ireland when it emerges that, as long suspected, Jeffrey Donaldson and Daniel O'Donnell are the same person. "I was only having the craic," O'Donnell tells the astonished negotiators, before regaling them with a selection of his greatest hits, including a duet with the Rev Willie McCrea on I Just Wanna Dance with You. He then invites everybody back for tea and sandwiches at Kincasslagh, where the ice between the DUP and Sinn Féin is finally broken, paving the way for the formation of a new executive.

December: The craze for illuminated figurines in Irish gardens finally takes its toll, as the national grid collapses on Christmas Eve. Tragically, the real Santa cannot locate our blacked-out island from the air, and abandons his attempt. A sadder, wiser Ireland cops itself on and resolves to return to tasteful, restrained Christmas decorations next year.