BAH. Humbug. This country is overrun by lily-livered liberals getting in the way of law and order. Proper law. Strict order. The way it used to be.
The TDs have let us down. And the Government is even worse. Pretending to crack down on crime, it has filleted the criminal code.
The Criminal Law Bill passed through the Dail yesterday. It made a great fuss about giving the Garda new powers of arrest, and removing the distinction between "felonies" and "misdemeanours". You know the kind of grey area that could send a poacher to Van Diemen's Land.
In came the bathwater and out went the baby. The Government parties proposed - and Fianna Fail and the Progressive Democrats accepted - repeal of the South Australia Act of 1842. They abolished the Riot Act of 1787. And the Whipping Act of 1820.
No longer can villains be sentenced to penal servitude with hard labour. No more will we hear the satisfying sound of jangling leg irons.
And the Infant Felons Act of 1840 has been abolished.
A respectable judge can no longer order lawbreakers to be whipped. And caning has been banned in prisons. Old certainties and values are being overthrown, milk-sops and ecumenists are taking over. The Sunday Observance Act of 1695 is on the way out, along with the Criminal Evidence Act of 1710.
We are a soft, weak society. Proof lies in the removal of the Garrotters Act of 1863 from the statute books.
And as if that's not enough, the prisons have gone soft. The canker was exposed during the week by our righteous, tabloid press. Incarcerated villains are being treated like royalty in Mountjoy Jail.
Even allowing for the comforting heat - caused by close-packed bodies in this fine old prison - the menu for Christmas Day is a disgrace.
The festive fare will be "fit for kings", the Star insists. The food will include turkey, ham, potatoes, cheese, salami, salad, sausage, eggs, and tomatoes.
What's wrong with old-fashioned dried bread? Washed down by moisture licked off the walls? Now there's proper prison fare for yez!
So much for prison and legal reform. It's more like mollycoddling. What's wrong with a few rats and wet straw from Christmas anyway?
Bah. Humbug.