Kathryn Holmquist suggests a referendum to resolve the great mobile phone mystery and an article in the Constitution to protect road-users' safety.
In Dún Laoghaire yesterday, I saw a garda driving with a mobile phone in one hand and a steering wheel in the other. I was going to say something.
"Hi! (ahem) isn't what you're doing illegal?"
Then I noticed his shaven head and intimidating sunglasses and thought better of it. I didn't want to go there. He could be holding three mobile phones for all I care. It still wouldn't be worth it.
And anyway, maybe his defence would be that he was just "idling". But idling is driving in my book.
So I called the Garda Press Office. It is as confused as the rest of us at the chest-thumping, pre-general election edict from Bobby Molloy banning the use of mobile phones and - amazingly - radios used by gardaí and emergency personnel.
Although it's still unclear to the Garda, apparently fixed hands-free sets are allowed.
Ahem, Minister, hello there?
Gardaí don't have fixed hands-free sets. Talking into handsets while chasing criminals in cars is what gardaí do. If Bobby Molloy had ever seen Hill Street Blues (not to mention Chief Wiggum in The Simpsons), he would know that. So now gardaí will have to pull into the side of the road before phoning ahead to set up road-blocks. Garda chases will become silent movies in the Keystone Cops mould.
The Garda Press Office was barely smothering its cynicism when it said it would "take a couple more days poring over the legislation" before it had a clue what it meant. Strictly off the record, it was wondering how anybody could make sense of such a nonsensical load of rubbish.
Is the Government not capable of writing an unambiguous piece of legislation? Is it trying to drive us crazy, or merely disorient us in the run-up to the general election campaign? What does it want, a referendum on mobile phone usage?
The Road Traffic (Construction, Equipment and Use of Vehicles) (Amendment) (no 2) Regulations, 2002 reads: "The driver of a mechanically propelled vehicle that is in a public place shall not hold or have on or about their person a mobile phone or similar apparatus while in the said vehicle, except when it is parked."
Please define "on or about their person". Does that include the glove compartment, the baby seat, the briefcase, the cleavage?
In practice, drivers can't be searched. That solves that then. Obviously this means that the second you see a garda or the garda sees you, you both throw your mobile phones under the seat.
Mobile phones with "hands-free" ear-pieces will not be allowed, but fixed hands-free sets will.
Could somebody please explain the difference between the two methods? Neither one involves hands, unless you're punching in a call, answering a call or checking your messages. In other words, THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS TOTALLY HANDS-FREE MOBILE PHONING.
A referendum's the only answer.
I can see it now: "Article blah, blah, blah of the Constitution would read: to protect the safety of road-users, mobile phones may be present in the car but not on the person.
"A person may speak into a mobile phone microphone as long as they are not touching the phone as they do so or do not dial or answer a call in preparation for doing so.
"A driver may listen to a mobile phone held to the driver's ear by a passenger. However, the driver's own phone must be switched off, unless it is a hands-free set permanently attached to the dashboard."
The Bar Library will have fun getting their heads around that one. A Prime Time Special could feature psychiatrists debating the emotional trauma of having a ringing phone in the car which the driver is legally barred from answering, even though the driver is sitting stationary in traffic (which is how most drivers spend their time).
Could there be mitigating circumstances? Say the driver is waiting for important news, for example, the price of AIB shares? Little Johnny or Imelda's Leaving Cert Results? A reasonable explanation of the shelf company behind Waterworld? The mobile phone is the life support to the beating heart of the economy.
Few drivers will stomach pulling the plug. So cars will be screeching to halts hither and thither on the road-sides.
But wait. The regulation states that "'Parked' means parked in such a location and manner that an offence under the Road Traffic Acts is not committed thereby."
Has Bobby Molloy tried to park lately? Legally, I mean.
People will be driving around for 20 minutes at a time so they can find disc-parking spaces, making traffic jams worse than they already are.
People will inevitably risk it and pull in anywhere. The little brown men will have a field day.
Talk about stress. We might as well give up and sit on the side of the road lighting up joints.
Why not? The fine's less.