There's a fine line between taking charge of your own life and dominating those around you. Sylvia Thompson reports
Nowadays, we are all encouraged to take control of our lives, be proactive and not to just let things happen. Yet, take this concept of control beyond yourself and you're quickly into the territory of a controlling personality - someone who not only sets out to have control over his or her own life but also to control the lives of those around him or her.
There are, of course, subtle - and not so subtle - levels of control over one's own life that will influence the lives of others but the big question is what marks the difference between having a healthy control over your own life and over-controlling the lives of those around you.
Psychologist Rosemary Troy says that there is a broad continuum of control.
"We all have issues of control and there are types of positive control. For example, teenagers will often call their mother control freaks when generally these mothers are setting discipline standards. In relationships, there are levels of control which can initially be seen to be flattering but which might be rooted in pathological jealousy."
In Be Your Own Therapist, complementary medicine therapist and spiritual healer Patricia Hesnan says that many controllers are not always consciously aware of their need to control or how or why their controlling tactics work. She describes them as jailers and prisoners at the same time.
"When controllers feel they are controlling a situation, they may feel that they are safe and more secure. Controllers are constantly trying to maintain control over one situation or another or one person or another," she says.
In her book, Hesnan describes the many different types of controlling behaviour. These include: controlling through guilt, controlling through fear, controlling through silence, controlling by being nice, controlling by aggression, controlling by lying, controlling through arrogance and controlling by manipulation.
She suggests that those with controlling personalities might be afraid that if they allow their family or friends their "freedom and learning" that they will no longer have a need for the controller.
She says: "I'm amazed by the number of young people who are controlled by their parents. There are parents who become ill just to be in control or family members who control others with the promise of land or property. Often, the control goes back to childhood when the person learned if they did X,Y or Z, they would get what they want."
Parents being controlled by their children through guilt or shame is another area of concern. "Parents can be controlled by having to buy expensive toys for their children which can result in over-spending and over-borrowing. At a more serious level, parents can also be controlled by children who threaten to run away, leave home or, in some cases, to commit suicide," she says.
In the workplace, those with controlling personalities often use silence as a means to control others. This results in many people walking on eggshells for fear of upsetting the person who fails to explain his or her bad mood.
Hesnan says: "Controllers may be attracted to jobs that facilitate their control. Sometimes if they don't get their way through controlling by being nice, through manipulation or guilt, they turn into nasty bullies.
"Controllers can affect people indefinitely and sometimes through a lack of awareness, people can allow it to continue for years," says Hesnan.
"The controlling person bases his or her sense of self around what he or she can do, not on his or her value as a person. Ultimately, he or she is working from a place of fear."
Rosemary Troy adds: "Nobody is born a control freak. Sometimes, people who are controlling have a fixer mentality. They were given a lot of responsibility at a young age and feel they have to be responsible for everything. They need to be able to draw back and detach.
"Other times, they have an insecurity and low self-esteem linked to loss or rejection in earlier part of their life."
According to Troy, the best way to combat a controlling relationship is for the person being controlled to "stop feeding the habit".
"Zero tolerance of being controlled in an abusive way is the first step for healing to occur," says Troy." The basis for a relationship must be one of security and for both people to function as individuals with the relationship as an enhancer not a scaffolding for their lives."
Sometimes people don't know how to differentiate between what is a controlling and what is a loving relationship. Others can have a fear of getting involved in a relationship because of the fear of being controlled.
Yvonne Jacobson from the Marriage and Relationship Counselling Service (MRCS) says that when dealing with control issues, the MRCS will approach it as a couple's problem.
"It's a frequent issue that comes up between couples and there are degrees of it," says Jacobson. "Domestic violence in which physical and emotional abuse is used is the extreme end of it. Emotional manipulation in a less abusive way is at the other end.
"And handing over the control can be a form of passive manipulation. We view it as a shared problem for the couple and look at ways how we can break it down and do things differently," she says.
"Control can be a survival mechanism and we need to challenge thoughts and attitudes and see what bits belong in the past," says Jacobson. "When one person moves or changes within the couple, the other has to move too."
CONTROL FREAK TEST
Do you control?
* Do you try to make someone feel guilty if they do not meet your demands?
* Do you create situations where someone will be fearful of what you may say or what you may or may not do if they do not behave in a certain way?
* Do you go silent when you feel annoyed with someone or about some issue relating to work?
* Do you use ulterior (or nice) behaviour patterns in order to get something in return?
* Do you control people through verbal, physical or emotional aggression?
* Do you engage in extreme behaviour patterns, switching from being aggressive, nasty and abusive to being nice, considerate, caring, loving and humorous?
* Do you control people through lying and making false promises to them?
* Do you control people by saying you will be somewhere knowing full well that you have made a prior arrangement with someone else?
Are you being controlled?
* Are you staying in a job, relationship or remaining in a family situation because of a sense of guilt?
* Do you give in to someone's wishes for fear of the threats of devastating consequences?
* Do you humour and placate silent behaviour because you sometimes feel you must have done or said something to upset?
* Do you feel conned by someone who has been extremely nice to you and then asks you to do something?
* Do you feel manipulated by someone who switches their moods so fast you can never relax?
* Do you feel you have been deceived wilfully by someone who wants you to comply to a certain way of living?
* Do you feel someone has lacked respect and disregarded your feeling by pretending to be available when they can't or by making you wait unnecessarily?
Sylvia Thompson