ASK THE EXPERT:We can only do so much to help our children - let go of your guilt
I AM the mother of an 11-year-old boy, the eldest of three. Right from birth he was very small and slow to do everything. No assessment has ever shown up a definitive problem.
In school, he is close to bottom of the class. He is in trouble quite a lot over his lack of concentration, lack of application and for being disruptive in class. He does not really enjoy school, although on the positive side he does have a couple of good friends there.
He is mad about Gaelic football but he is not a very good player and as a result is jeered by his classmates and the older children for being a "loser".
In a way he can be very obsessive about it; he talks about little else and seems convinced he is going to play for his county when he grows up. He becomes very agitated when he cannot go out and practise - he starts hammering the ball around the house and shouting and ranting.
I have tried to find something else for him that he could be good at, but other than Gaelic football there is really nothing else that grabs his interest. In fact, he becomes angry when I get him to try something else (I signed him up for a music class) because this is eating into his "Gaelic time".
In our local neighbourhood he is singled out by the other children and he has been on the receiving end of bullying behaviour over the years.
At home, he does not get on with his siblings and very rarely plays with them for more than a couple of minutes without a fight breaking out. Homework takes him about two hours or more to complete, during which time he shouts, slams things around, cries and becomes extremely frustrated.
By 6pm I am at the end of my tether because my patience is tested to the absolute limit. I feel powerless to help him and I am also feeling very guilty in that there must be something very wrong with my parenting skills. What can I do to help him? Am I worrying too much?
My heart goes out to you and your son. It sounds like you both are having a very distressing and stressful time. It must be heartbreaking to see your son being so dismissed by his peers and being unable to change that, never mind the challenges he presents you with.
You have given me a very broad and detailed history for your son and yet I find many more questions coming to me. This leads me to wonder when you last had your son psychologically assessed?
Things like learning difficulties, autistic spectrum disorder, pervasive developmental disorder and dyspraxia would all be in the back of my mind as worthy of further assessment, if only to rule them out. Sometimes when children are assessed at a young age the true extent of their difficulties can be masked or difficult to identify.
I think an updated assessment might give you greater insight into his difficulties as they currently stand and will give guidance in terms of his educational needs and how best to meet them.
Irrespective of an explanatory diagnosis, you still have to live with your son and help him as best you can. I think you can let go of your guilt as you sound very committed to your son and you are trying to meet his needs. That is as much as any of us can do.
How much support do you and he get from his dad?
In the next few years especially, he, like all boys, will benefit from a strong male role model.
This will match and balance the effort you are putting in and may dilute the pressure and conflict that occurs between the two of you at key times like homework.
I think you should talk to his teacher about his homework and time-limiting it for your son. Agree with the teacher that you will support your son to work for, for example, just 30 minutes every night.
Once you and your son know that homework cannot drag on forever, it may allow him to be more focused and achieve more. It will also mean you and he, at the least, will save on 90 minutes of conflict.
I think you are right to consider other hobbies and potential interests for your son.
"Obsessive" interest in just Gaelic football limits his potential to discover areas of real strength and because, on the face of it, he doesn't feel much success with the football, it can be hard to build his self-esteem.
Animals may prove to be the start of his branching out into other interests. Consider him taking responsibility for a pet of his choosing.
Animals respond consistently positively to loving care, unlike peers!
Activities like horseriding, including the caring for the horses or ponies, would also be a positive challenge for him.
You have that extra hour and half every evening to play with now so he can't complain about losing football time!
• David Coleman is a clinical psychologist, author of the book Parenting is Child's Playand broadcaster with RTÉ television. More information about David can be found on his website, www.davidcoleman.ie
• Readers' queries are welcome and will be answered through the column, but David regrets he cannot enter into individual correspondence.
Questions should be e-mailed to healthsupplement@irish-times.ie