Weighing jokes in milli-titters and gigglebytes

MEDICAL MATTERS: 'Tis still the season to be jolly, so let's have a little light relief to see us into New Year

I HOPE you all had a lovely Christmas. The holiday season is not over yet, so rather than tax you with medical matters of a serious nature, this week’s column will focus on humour.

According to the Christmas edition of the British Medical Journal, researchers in Australia have proposed a study of medical humour. In an outline proposal they list how different hospital departments had responded.

The department of surgery expressed an interest in side-splitting jokes. The gastroenterology department wanted to ban sick jokes and toilet humour.

The allergy department warned of the hazards of severe joke allergy. At least one child has suffered a severe allergic reaction to a shaggy dog story, while they noted a case of cat allergy predisposing to cataplexy.

However, the most feared condition is anaphylaxis to puns, which can be treated only with outrageously expensive adrenaline syringes, called Epipuns.

Meanwhile, the hospital administration warned that black humour contravenes health department policy on racial discrimination and punch-lines are forbidden under department guidelines on bullying in the workplace.

In their tongue-in-cheek proposal, they say the responses of joke recipients will be screened.

“Their facial contours will be examined for increases in creases. Mirth will be measured in grins per milli-titter, gigglebytes or smiles per hour. Belly laughs are expressed in units called Hertz. And laughter delayed for greater than 30 seconds will not be classified as humour.”

Meanwhile, at a major medical conference, two doctors start eyeing each other up. They have dinner, one thing leads to another and they end up in her room. However, just as things get hot, Janet, the female doctor, stops to go and wash her hands. After they have made love, she goes and washes her hands again.

Tom, the male doctor, says, “I bet you’re a surgeon. You’re always washing your hands.”

“That’s very clever,” says Janet, “and I bet you are an anaesthetist.”

“Wow,” says Tom, “you’re right, how did you know?”

Janet replies, “Because I didn’t feel a thing.”

Then there was the GP who gave a talk in his local village hall in order to promote a more healthy lifestyle.

“The best way to start the day is with five minutes’ light exercise and five minutes of deep breathing,” he said. “Then I take a quick shower and feel rosy all over.” A voice from the back of the hall shouts, “Tell us more about Rosie, Doc.”

Love knows no bounds as is evident from the following tale: When her husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhoea. No sooner were the papers on sale, when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, “you know very well that he died of diarrhoea, not gonorrhoea”.

Replied the widow, “I nursed him night and day, so of course I know he died of diarrhoea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than a big s**t .”

All of us dread the onset of senior moments. But some people are luckier than others: An old lady sat on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. Asked by a passer-by what was wrong, she said, “I have a 22-year-old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning then gets up and makes me bacon, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee.”

“Well, then why are you crying,” he asked.

She said, “He makes me soup for lunch and then makes love to me for half the afternoon. And for dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favourite dessert and then makes love to me until 2 am.”

Really puzzled, the man asked, “Well then, why in the world would you be crying?” The older woman replied, “Because I can’t remember where I live.”

Finally: Two older men were chatting. Eddie noticed something funny about Joe’s ear and he said, “Did you know you’ve got a suppository in your left ear?” Joe replied, “Gosh thanks Eddie, now I know where I put my hearing aid.”

Have a happy and healthy New Year.